Internalized Homophobia - Blog Posts

oh internalized homophobia trope how i love you

welcome to another game of.. AM BI OR A LESBIAN WITH INTERNALISED HOMOPHOBIA!!!!!!!!!

first up tonight we have; finding men attractive but never wanting anything to do with them and only would have a relationship with them under extremely specific circumstances!!!!!!

fic: nightmares by toomanymangos

WHY DO ALL LIS GAY COUPLES HAVE TO BE SO DOOMED 💔💔💔💔 PLEAASEEEE I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE

grahamscott nation how we doin’ >3<

also everyone close their eyes and stop looking at the quality..

I am a Girl

By FrogEatsEverything

I gaze up at the midnight sky, the look of the stars and the patterns they make, allow my soul to mellow out.

For once in my life I feel free, like there is no one to see me cry or laugh or curse up a storm. So here I stay so I can mourn.

Mourn what I do not know.

The sound of nature calms my nerves, my body relaxing on its own, as I am content with staying away from home.

I open my eyes, not noticing when they close, but I am obviously unaware.

My hand sank into the grass, twitching with every touch of blade. But I don’t mind, as long as I can let my heavy burden slip off my shoulders.

I’m glad I am at peace, for there is no need to carry my guilt.

I am free, yet I’m still trapped and can’t find the key.

Even when I run away from the nightmare that is my everyday terror, I know I cannot stay here forever.

I can already feel the pull on my body, trying to drag me through the ground.

Exposing me to the dangers that I must face.

Tears fell down my face, the once peaceful silence now shuddered.

The moon crumbles, I no longer feel the grass with my hand, I can no longer see this blissful land.

The black dots that seep into my vision cause panic to swell in my throat.

My chest tightens as the stars turns into eyes, staring down at me.

Their gaze burns my skin, I clenched my eyes close.

My fingernails dip into the delicate skin of my palms.

Teeth clenched to force back sobs, my remaining hand coming to guard my mouth.

My body violently shudders, my form trembling yet there’s no movement on the ground.

I continue to try to control my cries, pressure wrapping itself on my limbs. Tugging me as if I was a puppet.

The puppeteer controls my strings, forcing me to act normal, I can’t let them know.

I can’t let them know

I can’t let them know

I Can’t Let Them Know!

The voices tell me, arguing with each other on how I should react.

I’m tired of staying quiet, I open my mouth and let out a scream.

Only, there was no noise that came from my throat, not a single peep.

The voices were dead silent…

I lifted my head, my eyes opening as the shadows of my room crawled on top of me.

I find slight comfort and despair that I am back home, glad that my puppeteer loosely held onto me.

They were just that, strings, not the chain that used to hold me down.

I feel tired, a wave of empty exhaustion slamming into my body.

I drop my head back onto my pillows, looking through my scattered thoughts.

How did I get here?

Why was I in my room?

Why am I crying?

I question, lifting up a hand to rub at my face.

I put my hand back down, pulling it to my chest as paranoia strikes itself into my brain.

I look around my room one more time, freezing when I spot a mirror hanging on my door.

I shift on my bed, eyes widening as I look at the person the mirror projects.

It was a stranger, I was sure of it.

It had brown bloodshot eyes and short blue hair.

No that was not what made me think that this was an imposter, no it was the empty shine in their eyes.

Eyes that were supposed to show joy and happiness.

Shine as the brown hues sparkle with life.

This wasn’t me, it was just a default mode that I can change into.

That’s right, I’m still alive, I should be happy!

A small smile forced its way on my lips, eyes straining with the effort to look normal.

There, much better, I thought.

There in that moment was someone who wasn’t lonely and dying inside.

There was the perfect image of a person that a mother would be proud to call her daughter.

Daughter

That’s right she is a girl, her name doesn’t come to her, a twisted ugly sensation filled her gut at the thought.

She was a girl, she had to be one, her mom said so, and parents are always right.

But it didn’t feel right.

And as I look in my reflection, I wonder if that person in the cracked shiny glass was me.

That I wasn’t okay, that I didn’t want to be a girl, that I felt suffocated being in the same house as that person who I was supposed to call mother.

Before I could figure out what was so wrong with me being a girl, the stars that I dreamed of popped into my head.

The wicked shine of their light bearing down on me.

No I couldn’t tell anyone, no one would listen, no one would care.

It didn’t matter what I felt, as long as I was the perfect daughter.

I fall back into bed, pulling the covers over my head.

I couldn’t continue to stare at that mirror, I didn’t want to know who was in that reflecting surface.

Because I don’t want to know who I am, for I will never be free.

I will never be able to cut my hair short, to do sports or even try to be someone I’m not supposed to be.

I am a girl.

I will never look at the star and feel free, not with their eyes judging her every decision.

I will continue to be this girl, the one who is happy.

The unhappy me has to disappear, for it is not real.

I am free, yet I am trapped inside of my mind. There will be no mistakes. For I am a

Girl.

Yes this is another post about Dead Boy Detectives okay I’m on a roll.

Simons punishment in Hell is so heartbreaking to me. He has to tear pages out of the book where he put Edwin and his initials and the ‘headmaster’ tells him he can stop when he finishes the whole book, but the book keeps replacing itself. And it hits so emotionally if you have ever had to hide or repress queer emotion. Simon is being punished for simply having emotion and he thinks if he can stop having that emotion (finish tearing out all the pages) all the pain will stop. Being queer isn’t something that just leaves you… it is always there and sometimes it causes you pain because others can’t accept it maybe even you yourself can’t accept it. (Ex. Simon saying Does it have to be torture? Bring the way we are?) Then our boy Edwin who has been trying to deal with the repression he’s had for so long tells him that it’s okay to be queer and if you ever make yourself believe it’s not okay you are making your own hell.

That whole scene was very sad and also happy since Simon ends up accepting himself. I cried about it multiple times (rn is one of those times).

His lips landed on the stranger’s jaw and he imagined it was Harry’s.

I’m so sorry, he thought. And he placed each gentle, wet kiss like an apology, leaving a trail of repentance.

Traces of stubble scratched his lips. He raked teeth down the man’s neck, heard him groan. He sucked the skin there and tasted sweat.

Harry after Quidditch. Harry with stubble. Harry under him, moaning.

~

yes so I wrote this thing I’m actually quite proud of it it’s not cheery but it’s hella raw and I might write more so :)

Muggle London, Gay Bar, Hook-Up, One Night Stands, Pining Draco Malfoy, Gay Draco Malfoy, Angst, Eating Disorders, Unresolved, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Kissing, Neck Kissing, Moving On, Roleplay, Self-Hatred, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Sensuality, Crying, Men Crying, Eggs, Internalized Homophobia, Pining, POV Draco Malfoy, Grinding, Vulnerable Draco Malfoy, Past Sexual Abuse, Boundaries, Consent, Oh also, Indian Harry Potter

Internalized homophobia 

One of my friends recently confessed That he felt like he was going to hell  For who he loved and who he undressed.

He told me he didn’t know what the Bible said That he didn’t want to offend Me, but all I could do was feel sad for him For I know what it’s like to hate who you are, To hate yourself To want so badly to just be someone else.

Sometimes I still feel the weight in the back of my mind Like a ball and chain, dragging me down Suffering and shame, white out over my free name Replaced by freak, sinner, faggot, ashamed Some days I still think I might drown.

Hallelujah, hallelujah Doesn’t mean anything to me Anymore, I can’t know if I believe  Because the religion tells me love is a sin And if I’m a sinner for love, heaven Is never anything I want to get in To, not today or tomorrow  For to lose my love would be  The greatest shame and/or sorrow.

This is who we are, for forever We can’t change how we feel Not even in the passing days All we have is the thought of holding it together I don’t know how to put this any better, But I believe that it’s never getting any better.

One of my friends recently confessed That he felt like he was going to hell  And all I wanted was to tell Him, that love should never be forbidden That he’s too young to live with his heart hidden Away from the world The way that I felt When I was fourteen years old.

NSFW TMI but like..... the duality between wanting to dominate someone and wanting to be dominated is crazy.

I'm pansexual, and on the rare occassions I fantasize about women or femme ppl (only rare due to internalized homophobia and shame yippee) I often fantasize about being dominated.

But with men and masculine ppl, it's something of a 50/50. A vast majority of my fantasies with them involve them being submissive.

And I think I got a pretty good idea as to why.

Since we live in a society where men are seen as the leaders and masculinity is ideal, it's only natural of me to want to rebel against it and invert the roles. If we lived in a society where women are the ones who always have things in their favor or femininity was seen as the default, I'd probably want them to be submissive.

Which, btw, mini-rant but I FUCKING HATE THE FEMDOM PORN I SEE. Well, I have a love-hate relationship with porn in general. Sometimes I wonder how I would've turned out if I never saw porn.

Anyway, it's just something I noticed. But in dom porn, the female sub is always being used as an outlet for the male's pleasure. In femdom porn, however, the domme is giving the male sub pleasure. It always comes down to male gaze and focusing on a man's pleasure. So even femdom isn't exactly "empowering" or whatever we call it. While I'm at it, I hate lesbian porn. For obvious reasons. It's never for lesbians or wlw people. Like, at all. Gay porn caters to men, and so does lesbian porn. Got me digging in the trenches for a decent sapphic porn audio, let alone an actual video!

I completely forgot wtf I was yapping abt. The ADHD is showing.

WLW smut is so much more comforting than lesbian porn. WLW smut is real and raw... lesbian porn is repulsive cuz male gaze.... I'm genuinely so thankful I found a wlw space on here. It makes me more comfortable with the sapphic aspect of my pansexuality. As someone with a bad case of internalized homophobia due to their sexuality being fetishized for years... I thank you for posting this. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Reap What You Sow ~Post-S21!Daddy!Olivia Benson xFem Sub!Reader

Summary— Set in post season 21, where Liv is Captain. Reader decides to tease Olivia throughout the day and smutty punishment ensues later that night when Liv can finally do something about it…

Mommy… Master List

Requests & Prompt-List

Warnings: NSFW, 18+!!, smut, fingering, semi-public smut, spanking, daddy kink, degradation, praise, implied orgasm denial, degradation kink, praise kink, impact play, teasing, implied future smut, etc.

Enjoy (;

Your head hung low, over your shoulders and over the woman’s knees. It was after hours and you were bent over Olivia’s lap in her office. With another sharp crack to your barren ass, you jolted up slightly and let out a desperate mewl.

“Six—teen Daddy!!” You cried out.

You expect to feel another sharp smack to your ass, but instead you felt the woman’s hand gently rubbing your pink flesh.

“That’s it, such a good girl for Daddy.” Olivia cooed.

Pretty soon, her fingers trailed in between your legs and past your panties. She found your slick core, drenched in arousal, so wet it made you dizzy.

“Ooh Baby you’re soaked…” Liv purred, “Did Daddy make you this way…?”

You nodded vigorously, as one of her digits swiped through your folds.

“Yes yes all for Daddy, so wet for Daddy…!” You mewled.

After bringing her arousal coated digit up to her mouth and licking your juices clean off, the brunette gently caressed and squeezed your supple skin. Your body was left burning for more.

“Have you learned your lesson, sweetie…?” Liv condescendingly cooed.

You nodded vigorously.

“Yes Daddy yes yes please…!” You pled, “I’m sorry mm sorry—!”

“Sorry for what, baby…?”

“Mmm sorry for dressing up…! Sorry for distracting you!”

“You mean, you’re sorry for dressing like a slut, right…?? Daddy’s girl can’t just show up to work dressed to whore herself out… no matter whether Daddy will see her or not…” Liv spat.

You bit your lip and tensed up, as her digits dug into your left ass check possessively as she spoke. You let out a desperate mewl and nodded swiftly.

“Yes Daddy, I’m sorry please…!! I’m sorry I’m such a slut, can’t help it Daddy!” You babbled.

Your ass was smacked with a swift Crack!! again. This one went all to your core, as you felt your juices start to leak down your thighs.

“Oooooh Seventeen D-daddy!!” You cowled.

“Beg Daddy to give you mercy.” Liv demanded.

“P-please please Daddy— I… I need you Daddy!! I need your cock or your fingers or your mouth or anything Daddy please… I’ll be good I promise, Mmm so sorry Daddy pleaseee…!!” You begged.

In one fluid motion, two of Olivia’s fingers snaked back in between your legs and slid inside your gushing cunt. They pumped and curled inside you, making your toes curl and your mouth foam. You wanted to scream in pleasure, but you bit your tongue.

“Such a good girl for Daddy…” Liv cooed lustfully.

~~~

Olivia Benson Masterlist