Can Anyone Else Just Like… Not Handle Germs? At Fucking All?

Realized today that I jsut genuinely do not remember the majority of my childhood (…only stuff I remember is trauma tbh)

Most of the happy shit that I know happened was what I’ve been told happened

Do I have any recollection of that??? Noooo

How many times I’ve said I love you this week: 5

How many times he has: …

Ok so when I act ‘normal’ I’m not autistic bc I show no signs of it but when I do ‘act autistic’ I’m possessed by a demon.

Right.

nobody:

me: *likes a post*

my ocd: was that post you liked actually good? what if that person is secretly bad and people find out and then you're a bad person by association because you liked their post? what if this post has secret dogwhistles that you don't know about? and by liking it that means you agree with it! reread it 30 times until all the words don't even seem like words anymore and the meaning is mush! what? you can't tell if it is a bad™ post? see, you actually are a bad person because a good person would be able to tell. you are going to hell now! you need to think at least 5 'good' things so you can counteract your eternal damnation!!! now now now now NOW NOW NOW!!!!

Ya and then my mom yells at me for it

have we tried sitting completely still in a dark room, my liege?

“You’re such a twink!” no sorry I’m literally just a trans man who doesn’t pass

I don’t know how we’re letting trump get away with all this shit when I truly believe that if you threw a blanket over his head he would think it was nighttime and go to sleep like a bird

This though!!!

Look, this is what moral OCD is like for me:

I walk past a piece of paper. I don’t pick it up because I had a long day at work and it’s very cold outside. This then becomes my internal monologue:

I didn’t pick up that piece of paper, I should have. Don’t I care about the environment? It’s not my trash, I shouldn’t have to pick it up. But also that’s how these things happen right? We place the blame on others as our environment degrades. It was just a piece of paper, it’s not like it can do that much damage. But also how do I know: I’m not an environmental expert. Maybe stray paper scraps are killing the frogs. You’re literally killing the frogs. You should look up how many frogs die a year so you know how shitty you are-No stop it.

I care about the environment, and I recycle and I joined green activism movements but is that enough? I could be doing more. I should be doing more. I should donate my entire check to charity. But isn’t it self serving to think that my one check could help that much? Do I really think I’m that important, how self entitled and-no stop it, reset! You are obsessing and if you fall for it, you will not eat dinner. Let it go.

Okay it’s just a piece of paper. It’s okay you skipped it this once: it could have had something dangerous on it. Yeah that makes sense. But also, that means I’m putting my own safety over trying to help the environment, which is very selfish of me. I’m just one shitty person: god how could I be so self absorbed. I should have picked up the piece of paper. I’m so selfish, and shitty and-no, no, stop it! This is not helpful. It’s fine.

It’s been a long day and I’m cold, that’s not a crime- no that’s being selfish again, you’re making excuses. You’re just a lazy piece of shit who doesn’t care about others, and selfish and God the fact you’re thinking this much about one piece of paper shows how selfish you are, you care more about if you’re a good person than anything else, you’re a piece of shit, you’re a piece of shit, YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT.

I get home and open up Tumblr. The first post I see says “if you don’t reblog this post about the environment you’re as complicit as an oil billionaire.” I close my computer and resign myself to looking up the state frog populations until I go to bed.

I don’t eat dinner.

The amount of frogs that die a year is somewhere from 200 million to over 1 billion.

when is it my turn to not be exhausted and in pain 24/7 tho