You Didn't Ask For It, But Here You Go Anyway.

Entry #15, 9/10/19

Oooh, on my way to my therapist's. I'm thrilled to see his reaction when I tell him what happened because of a single, innocent question... and after I asked him not to mention it, too. But the past is in the past. It was only a week ago, yet... it wasn't his fault, so why would he have much of a reaction?

Entry #9, 8/7/19

I've finished Diary nr. 11. Number 12 is fortunately not blank on the inside, and has lines I can write on. I still think it's very pretty.

Pesto's gonna talk to his crush today, and they'll meet up soon. I hope the meetup will lead to more action between them.

Pesto has asked me, if I wanted to translate a script for him, and maybe I'll get the chance to voice act! It'd be awesome! I love voice acting.

Nothing more happened. Goodbye, seeya!

Side entry #2, 11/5/19

I forgot to write about halloween. Probably because it was just a day like any other in my life, except for the fact that I didn’t have to go to school. I was drawing, looking at my two Inktober drawings that I finished (Yes, those two were the only ones I actually started. I did not last long through Inktober.), and just trying to do the lineart on said drawings. I decided it would be better to just do/try it on one, since I’m still figuring out my art style and how thicc I want the lines to be on the darker and lighter spots of the drawing. I also continued reading my book (Warrior Cats, if I didn’t mention it before), and that was about it.

So all in all, my halloween wasn’t very eventful, but I’m glad it wasn’t. I prefer to either stay indoors or go outside and escape the world out in the fields, where I’m all by myself and able to practice sketching landscapes, while listening to the beautiful sound of absolutely no human soul around. And it was way, way too cold to actually do so, so I stayed inside my room, under my blanket. That is all for now, I hope I don’t forget anything again.

Thanks for reading, I’ll see you around if you decide to stay.

Memories #1

Reminder: TW. Verbal and implied/threatened physical abuse, lying

It was just after I moved in with my sis. We were cleaning the room I would be staying in by chucking all of the furniture out of my window into one of those big containers, listening to Matt's music. We were all having good fun, I don't think she was mad or anything. It was mainly me and Matt working, but the kids helped. Back then, Maya wasn't as much of a little [nice person], but José didn't like me cuz he hadn't gotten used to me yet. Things seemed more or less normal, yet I couldn't help but feel a certain pressure. I thought it would get better over time. I thought maybe if I got used to the rules... and it was so big of a change... and with the new environment.... I should've listened to my intuition. I kept saying "It's too late to get out of it now, you're already here and started to renovate and everything", hoping I was wrong and it wouldn't be as bad. The change came gradually; at first, she was super sweet to me. Not even two months later she screamed at me for the first time and I got to see the best side of her. It's not that she hadn't chastised me before, but she never raised her voice like that.... or thrown kitchen utensils at me or the kids. As the children and I were on the ground, gathering the knives, forks and spoons on all fours, she kept screaming and throwing things, and that was the first time she threatened to hit me. She raised her hand to grab something else very close to me and I flinched. She berated me for it, saying I've never been hit before and so I shouldn't act like it, that I don't have the right to react that way. I don't remember much else from what she said, mainly calling us selfish and lazy (which, as you will notice, she did a lot) and reminding me that I could always move out if I don't want to comply with her rules (which is also something you'll hear a lot). The most memorable part of that entire situation is the fact that when she stopped screaming and came back from smoking outside, she smirked at me and said "Now you saw that I can get a bit mad sometimes." The idiot I was I told her it's fine. I didn't want her to get mad again. God, I was so scared, I wanted to get the hell out of there first chance I get. But then I kept getting deeper and deeper in the legal process of everything, and, in the end, I just,,,, didn't say anything. I kept lying to authorities to not cause any trouble. Telling CPS I'm doing great here, that we sometimes fight but only in the fashion normal for siblings, and every time I said something I would look at her for approval and to see if I had said something wrong. I didn't want to make her mad or look bad in front of these people.

What a beautiful day...

Entry #16, 9/11/19

Currently in the bus, on my way to school. I thought I'd quickly tell you how my therapist reacted, since I promised you said info: he apologized, multiple times, and- well, we had other things to talk about, so I changed the subject after a while. He recommended a book (about psychology), and I'm hopefully gonna be able to get it soon. I mean, if someone, whose profession is psychology, recommends a book, it has to be good, right? It's about childhood and trauma, and how to detect one, too, I think. I'll take a look at it later. See you!

Entry #33, 14/4/20

I’m so sorry I stopped updating! I kinda forgot I had a blog--- but I’ll try to remember and update more often from now on!

Anyway... a quick summary of what happened (of course with the help of my diary because I forget everything way too fast):

1.: Me and my ‘‘best’‘ friend Cel stopped talking. She barely has any time anymore, so I gave up on trying to contact her. I told her how i felt about the whole situation, and kinda--- emotionally detached from her again?? I came to terms with the fact that we won’t talk anymore, but instead of breaking off contact I decided to keep her as a ‘‘friend’‘ for roleplaying, cuz she’s the only one I have a bnha-roleplay with.

2.: The guy from the German equivalent of child services was here twice, and we’ll probably get the family-helper peeps after this whole ‘‘situation’‘ with the pandemic is over.

3.: Pesto (my ex-bestie) texted me a while back. I said i would give him a second chance, but honestly... I was really disappointed when I found out he hadn’t killed himself. I tried to make him do it passive-aggressively, but he got a gf and his mental health was very good in general, so I’ll just wait until he has another depressive-episode (he’s bipolar)...

4.: A guy from my school, that I literally talked to once before and that we’ll call Dennis, asked a good friend of mine (Freddie) if he could get my number. Freddie told me and asked if I was okay with him giving Dennis my number, I said yes... big mistake. Dennis started texting me every twenty minutes, it got really annoying, but I was too scared to hurt his feeling, so I didn’t tell him off. He started talking to me in school too, gave me a drawing (a bad one at that) and just made me really uncomfortable in general. After getting a bit of advice from a couple other girls I told him I was uncomfortable with texting him, he said he understood, but was clearly hurt by what I said (I tried to be as nice as possible!). Anyway, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with him right now... >~<°

5.: I got an interview for a politics-project I need for school. It went well, I got all the info I needed, yeet.

And since I’m a meanie, I saved the best for last:

I got a girlfriend!~~ (31.3.20 UwU) She’s in all of the discord servers I’m in, and even before we got together we talked super often and complimented each other constantly... She’s super cute! Whenever I talk to her I feel so much lighter, happier and just overall better...~ and if you’d have asked past me if I could ever imagine getting a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend as my first ever relationship, I’d have shouted ‘‘No way!’‘- and now look where that got me. It’s not even like I was homophobic, I just thought it was weird for me to like a girl because that’s just how I was raised. (My gramps was a really religious christian, and of course the whole ‘‘very religious grandpa’‘ stereotype wouldn’t be complete without a heaping pile of homophobia...) Now I’m happily in love, I even imagined how awesome it would be to move in together, adopt a kid and get married... which I never could before (with anyone, not just girls) without feeling a little weird about it. But now I can imagine all I want and even feel like it’s the right thing to do!~ God, I could go on and on about how much I love her... <3

There’s something else I want to address as well tho, so no can do. I got into a fight with my mother just a couple days ago, and I’m giving her the Todoroki-Treatment again (I talk to her as little as possible, and when I do, I have a monotone voice and neutral expression). She accused me of so many things I didn’t do, and even said to my face that I was born as [deadname] and will always stay [deadname]. I’m using the word deadname not because I’m trans (cuz that’s where it’s actually supposed to be used), but because I hate the name I was born with and don’t want to be addressed with the name that I link so many bad memories with. The very next day, she took away my phone and laptop because I was ‘’disrespectful’‘. The day after that, (12.4.20, Easter+ my little sister’s b-day) she wanted to talk about what happened again and admitted she was wrong. She apologized, even wrote ‘‘Mary’‘ on an egg custom-filled with chocolate to ‘‘buy’‘ my happiness in a way. Didn’t work. She was just being really pathetic... like always after a fight when she ‘’regrets saying those things and that she actually didn’t mean them’‘. I’m just in complete control whenever that happens, and it’s really awesome bc I can make her feel really bad by just not talking to her lmao-

Anyway, that was all that happened. I’ll let you know when something interesting is going on. Bai! ^^

Entry #22, part 2

And of course I forgot something. The whole ‘‘Pesto’‘ situation. Long story short, I confronted him, he told me that ‘‘If I wasn’t going to accept him the way he is, I should block him/ stop talking to him.’‘ For your information, I asked him to stop insulting the things I like to spend time on, he said ‘‘BuT iT’s SaRcAsM’‘ and that he ‘‘wouldn’t change himself for me’‘.

>>You’re being kinda rude, please stop<<

>>Oh so you don’t accept me for the person I am? I won’t change my way of talking. What makes you think I would? Just because you told me multiple times that I’m hurting your feelings and that I’m making you question your whole exsistence?<<

May I just quickly say this: he told me that pride flags are bullsh-, because only countries need flags. He made me, I’d even say forced me to throw away a bookmark I made by hand, with a lot of effort and love put into it, just because it had the Gay and Bi pride flag on it (each has their own side, so one side of it is rainbow colored and the other pink, purple and blue). I didn’t actually throw it away, I just put it somewhere I knew I’d find it later, and I’m currently using it again.

Needless to say, I wished him a long and happy life, and blocked him on every social media, including discord, but forgot to block his actual number, and he texted me a few minutes after, saying:

>>Great that you thought of doing this for longer and not telling me about it. For your information, no, I won’t have neither a happy nor a long life.<<

I explained that basically telling me he’d kill himself wouldn’t change my mind, that that’s just toxic of him to say and that I’ve made up my mind. I said my goodbyes once again, and lastly blocked him there too.

I’ve always been supportive, no matter what he did. I reassured him it was going to be fine, helped him to deepen the bond between him and a girl he liked/s, prevented him from comitting suicide and tried to be as good of a friend as I could be. Now, I’m just asking myself if I made him behave like that. Maybe he just copied my behavior? What if he lied to me, and I was actually a horrible person towards him? What if I was the toxic one in the friendship?

I’ll think about this and maybe update later on, I don’t know about it though. We’ll see. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent like this. I’ll see you soon, goodbye.

Entry #19, 9/26/19

Hello. In the past week I got new shoes, black ones, along with black fingerless mittens. I do have almost everything in black, except for my phone case. It's purple going over to blue, and I can't even put into words how much I can't stand it. It has the wrong colors, small (obviously fake) diamonds on the side, and it's overall too glittery. It maakes me want to puke, but as long as I don't have anything else, I'll have to live with it.

I started writing a little fanfiction out of boredom, and two of the three people I showed it to think it's good. I might publish it, but only here. There are too many people that follow my wattpad to post it there. Yes, I do consider 62 (I think?) too many. Nobody comes around here, so yeah. I'm already working on chapter two, and fortunately I'll have enough time for that on the weekend.

Me and Sophie started talking daily again. We're currently roleplaying, only boku no hero academia for now. Maybe Creepypasta will be a project for the future again, who knows?

Nothing else really happened, but there's a lot of exams coming up, but other than that there's no interesting thing to talk about anymore. So goodbye, readers.

Entry #31, 25/1/20

Heya, dear void! How’s it going? ^^ I thought I’d just quickly let you know about some stuff that happened recently, since it’s kinda important to understand the possible action that will be taken throughout the next few months.

Last Friday (17/1/20), I had a ‘meeting’ with my current school’s principal. He asked me why I wanted to change schools, why I thought I didn’t belong in the class and how my mental health was involved in the whole thing. At the start, he didn’t seem very fond of the idea, but was open to what I had to say. I thought h would say ‘no’, or try to keep me from doing it, but at the end of the whole thing he told me that he’d support me and even let me come back if the new school was worse.

After the meet-up, I told my mother that we had his approval, and she spoke to the school I want to change to. The teachers had a meeting where they discussed the situation, and if they had room for a new student. Everything depends on that, and if they decide that I would be too much, everything I did would have been a complete waste of time. But before I can officially change schools, I need to check out what the routine is like, anyways, so I can get a better picture of what it’ll be like, because right now I have no information about the schedule and stuff like that. Heck, I don’t even know when school starts! (My current starts at 7:40, ends at 12:45, and I’m usually home at about 13:20.) Ah, whatever. As for now I can’t do anything but wait anyways. Wish me luck...

~Mary