Entry #22, Part 2
Entry #22, part 2
And of course I forgot something. The whole ‘‘Pesto’‘ situation. Long story short, I confronted him, he told me that ‘‘If I wasn’t going to accept him the way he is, I should block him/ stop talking to him.’‘ For your information, I asked him to stop insulting the things I like to spend time on, he said ‘‘BuT iT’s SaRcAsM’‘ and that he ‘‘wouldn’t change himself for me’‘.
>>You’re being kinda rude, please stop<<
>>Oh so you don’t accept me for the person I am? I won’t change my way of talking. What makes you think I would? Just because you told me multiple times that I’m hurting your feelings and that I’m making you question your whole exsistence?<<
May I just quickly say this: he told me that pride flags are bullsh-, because only countries need flags. He made me, I’d even say forced me to throw away a bookmark I made by hand, with a lot of effort and love put into it, just because it had the Gay and Bi pride flag on it (each has their own side, so one side of it is rainbow colored and the other pink, purple and blue). I didn’t actually throw it away, I just put it somewhere I knew I’d find it later, and I’m currently using it again.
Needless to say, I wished him a long and happy life, and blocked him on every social media, including discord, but forgot to block his actual number, and he texted me a few minutes after, saying:
>>Great that you thought of doing this for longer and not telling me about it. For your information, no, I won’t have neither a happy nor a long life.<<
I explained that basically telling me he’d kill himself wouldn’t change my mind, that that’s just toxic of him to say and that I’ve made up my mind. I said my goodbyes once again, and lastly blocked him there too.
I’ve always been supportive, no matter what he did. I reassured him it was going to be fine, helped him to deepen the bond between him and a girl he liked/s, prevented him from comitting suicide and tried to be as good of a friend as I could be. Now, I’m just asking myself if I made him behave like that. Maybe he just copied my behavior? What if he lied to me, and I was actually a horrible person towards him? What if I was the toxic one in the friendship?
I’ll think about this and maybe update later on, I don’t know about it though. We’ll see. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent like this. I’ll see you soon, goodbye.
More Posts from The-froggy-jester and Others
Another song I seem to like. Fortunately, it doesn't have vocals. I prefer songs without many vocals, or vocals I can't understand, so there's still room to imagine what it might be about or what might be happening.
Entry #13, 9/6/19
Please, send help. I'm in the outside world, around people i don't know, and I have to listen to polker. HELP. ME. GUYS. I have to stay until 8 pm, and the minute I'm writing this it's 19:21. Please I'm begging you, get me out of here.
Statusupdate 19:27: I'm allowed to listen to my own music through earphones! Yes, I'm saaveeedddd! By the way: my favorite Band is MISSIO. Awesome music. Something else, not the normal pop, not kpop, not anything I can't stand! They're awesome! I'll see if I can get Band-T's! Oh, Someone just asked me what I wanted to eat. There's food? So this wasn't complete bullshit, only mainly crappy! I is happy as long as there's food. I'll keep you updated.
Entry #6
Pesto got together with his crush! After one and a half years of trying, he finally managed to win her over. I'm so proud of him! Now I'll just hope she makes him happy.
It's still really warm, but I'm able to sleep so it's fine, I guess.
Otherwise, nothing happened. Bao!
I'm so very sorry to announce that I, Mary, am starting to watch ''a lot'' of shows and animes lately. My apologies.
Hamilton with bnha
Quirk, Quirk
Angelica
Quirk, Quirk
Eliza~
And Peggy
The hero sisters~
It's 1:50 guys pls help
Entry #27, part 2
...until Yuri told us we were allowed to massage each others freely and as we wanted to. Raph asked me, if I wanted him to go on and take care of my shoulders, and of course I said yes. I mean, why should I miss out on a free relaxing program? XD As he was moving his hands along my back and shoulders, I closed my eyes and just listened to all of the sounds the kids around us made. Suddenly, I heard Yuri say my name, and that’s when I started to listen to her. >>... and Mary looks like she’s having the time of her life.<< HELL YEAH I WAS! It was so relaxing to have someone who genuinely cares about you sitting behind you... and so strangely unfamiliar, too. I don’t know, I guess I should find more people who care about me.
That afternoon, we met up again. But that time I needed help with math, and since he mentioned that he was good at it and we got along just fine (if you get the reference you get bonus points), I decided to ask him to help me. And he did! After we finished, we talked about music, and somehow drifted off, which led to him... hugging me. He. Hugged. Me. I cannot put into words how wanted I felt at that moment. More than I have for a very, very long time. Though, sadly I didn’t feel much... Anyways. About an hour after that, he went ‘home’. I accompanied him, and when we parted ways, we hugged again.
On the 3rd, Raph’s little brother and the little sister from a friend of mine thought it would be funny to push Raph’s and my head together as to make us kiss.
...it didn’t work. XD
Nothing else happened, until I was going for a walk on the beach at night. It was about.. 7 pm, and already dark outside. The clouds hung heavy in the sky, hiding the stars and the moon, tainting the sea a deep, dark brown-ish black. The horizon itself was a fulfilling black, turning lighter the higher one looked at the clouds. I adored the sight. As I went, I talked to myself like I usually do. That eventually led to me crying, becoming aware of how absolutely useless I was to everyone around me, how much I disappointed the ones that cared about me in a seemingly whole other world, a timeline long forgotten... and I may have let myself go too much. I cried like I haven’t in a long, long, long time. I don’t know if it was good to let out my feelings or stupid because someone could possibly have listened to my sobbing... normally, if I do cry, I cry in company of someone I trust or care about. And up until that day, I was physically not able to. I don’t know why, but I could never cry on my own. There always had to be someone. But maybe... I didn’t feel alone that night? Maybe I felt as if someone was with me, even when they were not physically there? I don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll find out any time soon, but it’s definitely worth thinking about.
On the 4th, me and Raph went to the beach together at night. The stars were shining brightly, brighter than I’ve ever seen them sparkle, the moon was more beautiful than I had it in mind... everything just seemed a lot brighter and better. We talked for about an hour, then his mother told him to come back to their room. I loved having him as my company. Even if it was very cold, I was determined to stay with him. And so I did. I even stayed on the bench a few minutes after he left, talking to myself again. But soon, it was too cold, so I went up to my room, too.
The 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th went without any notable events.
The 9th, though, was a good day for me. First, we went to a sports hall to do some sports. After that, we went back to the ‘daycare‘ and me and Raph just kinda... started cuddling? It was really nice, and time was going by way too fast, until... my commitment phobia kicked in. (I should probably tell you that I have commitment issues due to my HoRrIbLe past) I ignored it, tho, so I kinda forced myself into being happy, or feel comfortable... buuut that actually did the exact opposite. I felt pretty uncomfortable, but I ignored that too, so I could try and just let myself fall into the embrace, I guess? Honestly, I don’t regret it. I think I needed the cuddling, the intimacy towards another person. Something that I noticed was that he seemed very calm and relaxed. I think he enjoyed himself, too.
The next day was just stressful. I had to travel back home with ___ and my sister, and of course the two fought a lot. Anyways, that was the rest of my ‘vacation’. More information on what and how I’ve been doing for the past week in the next entry!
Mary out!~
Side entry #1, 9/10/19
The fifth grader I talked about, that looked like me, you remember her, right? Turns out she's growing to be more like me; she has a little- twist, let's call it that- and already wanted to stab someone in the hand with her scissors. I couldn't be prouder. Such great potential, in such a small human... a fragile one for the time being. But she'll grow stronger, I know it, I can feel it...
You didn't ask for it, but here you go anyway.
me, apologizing in advance
Entry #23, 11/12/19
Hello. Before I start today’s entry, I want to let you all know that my Wifi at home has been turned off. The Tumblr app on my phone has this weird pop-up bug, so that’s unfortunately not an alternative. I’m very sorry, and I hope you understand.
Anyways, onto the real deal: my day has been mediocre. I was in school, so that was one of the bad things, but at the same time I have been at my therapist’s, that was the only good thing. Apart from the fact that I can update, of course. I almost had to give a presentation to my class. Thankfully my teacher talked for too long, and it had to be cancelled. Unfortunately, the next date to do so will be on Thursday, so I’ll have to do it there. But since it leaves me with more time to practice my text, I am not complaining.
Next week, my sister, my mother and I will be going on vacation. We’re visiting a small island on the north-eastern end of Germany. I’ve been planning this for years, and now that it’s finally here... I am not fully realizing it. I know that it’ll happen, but my mind kind of... didn’t settle on it yet? (Does that make sense?) Nonetheless, I am still looking forward on being there. I love the sea, and even though I don’t really like going shopping, I still saved quite an amount of money. At least it’s a lot for me, but there are probably people that it’s nothing to. But I’m proud of myself for actually saving and not going out to spend it once I had a certain amount.
That’s it from me. Have a wonderful time until I can next update!
Yours truly,
Mary
