I Lost Every Friendship I Ever Had And It Still Hurts.

In this dream, you are in a pit.

It surrounds you in pitch black.

Its mouth swallows you whole.

Effortlessly, you sat comfortably in your hole, like it had a hold on you

You sometimes climb, but then you fall like you had no care at all, then you try and try again but only get stuck with your feet buried in the sand.

You are in this constant battle with yourself

while a blindfold covers your eyes tightly

I wish you could see what you mean to me

There’s a snake in the pit that grasps on to you

day by day you decline my desires

my desire for you to reach out, my desire for you to hold on

the stench of dirt that covers you from head to toe and your brown eyes that fight to stay open

they blink and blink with the strength of a human

Please don’t let go.

don’t let go of the red balloon

the art of book covers

CUT FROM THE SOURCE 

I had to let go, 

All those things you said I was 

I unraveled, 

Became undone, 

My bones melted, 

My heart unrest- 

For it won’t stop beating, 

Beating, beating 

Because it knows no less 

I became unplugged, 

Undressed in your layers of 

Manipulation, 

Unleashed from your cage from 

All the ways you  Underestimated me.

I feel sick. Again. Not in control. Again. 

Shaken, misplaced, irregular 

I have all the words ready to spew out from my faucet, 

But they won’t come out, not right now, 

And not right. Just jumbled word vomit that smells like grief, aching, and anxiety. 

My insides feel all torn up. 

All messed up. 

Just like my mind. 

I’m currently trying to find out if I’m even alive. 

This stupid ringing in my ear, 

This stupid voice in my head, 

This stupid way that I look at him. 

Pushing my feelings aside. No longer shoving them down his throat, just my fingers that he loves to suck. 

My body that he loves to touch. 

My body that is hard for me to touch. 

Looking around to see others wanting me but I’m not sure if I even want myself anymore. 

Cause he used to want me in a way that made my heart fucking flutter. He used to want me in a way that proclaimed love was real. 

I promised to put myself first. 

I promised to love myself. 

I used to put myself first. 

I used to love myself more than I loved anyone else. 

I met him and fell down a landslide. 

Is it me wanting to get pleasure because it’s so easily accessible, or is it me wanting to get pleasure to erase those feelings, to take me to an out-of-body experience, to just make my brain empty and my body full? I want to be loved, and I want to be cared for. By him. But it’s not possible, not right now, perhaps not ever, just not in the way that I love and care for him. So I’m putting myself first. I will be organized, I will be on time, I will take my medication, I will make my bed and do yoga and see friends. I will have sex for pleasure and to fill that void. I believe that love just isn’t on the menu for me right now. Not right now. I know it will come, I vow it too. But I stop my beckoning. I hold off on the searching and the begging. I’m young. It’s about me. 

UNTITLED SHORT STORY EXCERPT:

In the distance she saw a warm glow, a sigh escaped her lips. Almost home. The rain picked up, wind pushing it in every direction. Carrie picked up her pace, at least the rain would hide her pit stains.

Almost home.

She could feel herself running clumsily down the slick concrete and puddles. The light was still there but why did it seem so far away? The North Judah street sign was tattered but it was there, she was there.

Daughter of the Moon and Sun

Daughter of the moon and sun.

You need not worry

You need not frown

You carry your fortune in your eyes.

Oceans cannot drag you down,

You are stronger than any storm.

Kinder than any butterfly,

You are graceful, but not yet

immune to life's troubles.

The moon believes in you,

He watches down,

Guarding you.

The Sun will not hinder you.

True to yourself,

Daughter of the moon and sun.

UNKNOWN 

Ever so carelessly, you ignore my entire 

Being and destroy thoughtless opinions 

Of me. Even so, I continue to pest and 

Cause thunder to boom inside of your head. 

Those wilted flowers will caress your legs

And with one uneasy smile, I admire you

Those thorns wither and twist around 

Your arms. I will not scold, I behold your 

Truth. 

And when it’s over, I’ll give you a cold hug. 

For I am the lurking shadow,

I am the unheard footsteps and the candles 

That flicker as you rest. 

My crown will never falter, 

For I am death. 

“A lover’s fancy is as creative as a poet’s, and when once it takes hold of any idea, it clings to it tenaciously.”

— Lodore, Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

HEARTBEAT 

She’s cold and chilling to the bone 

Hollow inside and out 

Airy and spacious 

She keeps my heart slow 

Awake I am 

But drowsy eyelids blink and blink 

I am in a poisonous trap, 

A smooth rhythm that is coming to an end. 

Harmonious, a voice so sweet to the ears. 

An unforgettable smile, diamond eyes. 

She keeps my heart warm that the sun is jealous 

Of her. 

Come on now, 

Don’t you know any better than to be messing with fate? 

Tick, tick, tick. 

Time ignores your presence, it has no hold on you. 

You don’t believe in destiny. 

Now it’s time to make the change. 

Sputnik Sweetheart, Haruki Murakami