Experience Tumblr like never before
neil was ready to die. he had accepted that he wasn’t going to live past 19, that he would be killed, that he wouldn’t do anything else with his life. and he was mourning the loss of exy and his teammates and friendship, but he didn’t bother mourning the loss of a domestic life because it never even occured to him that that could be a possibility. that dream died the night he ran away. he didn’t mourn the loss of lazy sleep-filled mornings or cat cuddles or holding hands or having his own place, because to him, that was always too far-fetched. he didn’t mourn for the small joys of domestic life, because he’d never had them in the first place
creed from the office would be neil in the future if he’d never signed with the foxes
my guy matt is such a speedy driver that andrew didn’t even catch up to him on the way to the mountains like... oh my ajm, driving with matt would be a mix of wholesome, chaotic, and absolutely terrifying
yes neil is absolutely clueless when it comes to people liking him, both platonically and romantically, but he’s honestly pretty perceptive when it comes to other people. he was able to analyse the relationships and dynamics between the foxes pretty quickly (for the most part) after meeting each of them, even without knowing their backstories or anything about them. i think that this is for a few reasons:
neil has spent his entire life looking for threats towards him, not love
the only person who ever really cared about him before he joined the foxes (from what we know) was his mom, who had very questionable ways of showing it (i could write a whole other post about mary)
neil didn’t actually expect anyone to care about him in any way, because he didn’t think he was worthy of friendships and had never really opened up enough for it to be a viable option
he had to be good at quickly and discreetly analyzing other people’s relationships, because it was important to understand those around him on the run
excluding all the times where he went off and snapped at people, he tended to listen more than talk, especially when in big groups. this is the perfect opportunity to absorb information about everyone else
that being said, he didn’t pick up on anyone caring about him, because that idea had never even crossed his mind
also, given that he hadn’t really known what romantic attraction felt like, it was probably pretty hard to place his feelings for andrew
and andrew’s not exactly the easiest to read, so even for neil (who understands him significantly more than others do), it would’ve been hard to see that andrew liked him (esp since andrew was presenting his attraction as hate)
however!! it would’ve been a lot easier to pick out the subtleties in the relationships between the other foxes, because they’re generally more open
basically, i think that neil actually isn’t completely clueless when it comes to love/lust/attraction between others, it’s just when it comes to himself - who he doesn’t think is worthy of anything good - that he’s a bit thick
you know what’s painful? before the final match against the ravens when neil says that he can see how much matt loves his mom and that “sometimes he was still surprised at how blatantly that love was returned”
like??
mary did her best to keep neil alive and they had a complicated relationship but, ultimately, neil loved her
this quote hurts though, because neil obviously didn’t really get that love reciprocated - yes, in her own way, mary loved him and tried to keep him safe and as happy as possible given the circumstances, but overall his life on the run was full of pain and fear and his mom added to that
so of course it’s weird for him to see randy love matt so fiercely and so openly, but my heart still aches for him