Where Can I Go To Find Hope?

I'm tired lol, now I gotta go study

I love the fact that I’m using this cesspool of chaos and showers to build up my self confidence. 

A handfull of weeks ago I bought this really old book from a vintage store. And I don't just mean from 50 years ago or something, I mean from like 100 years ago. It's in German or something, and I can't read it. But it was so interesting I just had to bring it home. The number in the cover says 1860 and I know the book itself was around since 1881 from the first of many signatures and dates on the inside.

Im a bit cautious about touching it since it's badly damaged but here are some photos. Anyone know what language/book this is? What's it about? So curious

Me at me: "why am I always so tired I feel like I can't do anything, I'm so lazy."

Also me: I am in band -constantly- Monday and Thursday afternoon, Tues and Thursday mornings, I have school and homework and I procrastinate because my brain says fuck you. I'm in a semi functional household, I'm grieving the loss of a love one, I just got a new dog. I always push myself academically because if I got taught that if im not the best then I'm nothing.

You can be doing nothing sometimes, drink some tea, read a good book, paint a simple picture, write a dumb poem, make a bad joke. It's okay, I'm doing my best and I'm enough.

When someone else says they had a "main charcater moment" : I climbed to the top of this hill as the sun was setting and it was magical

Me: I got so distracted biking home that I fell into a pile of leaves and knocked off my bike chain and made my handle bars crooked :D

I sat there in an almost peaceful silence, if not for the thoughts swishing back and forth in my mind like a broken washing machine, I'd have thought it tranquil. I felt myself choke, I choke and all the thoughts I couldn't swallow. If I felt any better I would have made a joke there, I'm sure you can fill in the blanks. I tried adjusting, maybe the thoughts would disappear like that. They didn't, they bubbled menacingly, they twirled in circle infornt of my eyes. A shuddering gasp for air broke the silence. And then another. A few more as my vision blurred in the dim lighting. It didn't sound like me, rather, like someone else was there, someone else's desperate grabbing for air, someone else's breif and lonely wimper, not my own. I tried to gather myself, I didn't even know what I was crying for. I needed something to block out the quiet cries, before they became racking sobs. Something to put the incessant thoughts to rest, if only for a while.

Tumblr is very intersting.

People are scared of a lot of things, heights, needles, the dark. I'm sacred of a lot of things too. When I was a kid I was really scared of spiders, I scream and run from them anytime I even heard the word. But if I see I spider now, I won't even jump, unless they're right next to me, then I might back up. The reason I'm not scared of them as much is the fact that, spiders are my friends. I'm still cautious around them, as much as I would be if I was a giant around people's houses. Or if they can hurt me. But I'm not very scared of them anymore. Someone I still get nervous around is things that have gone bad, mostly food that's gone bad. Because there's sometimes fungus on it, and they can hurt me. But it helps calm me down if I call that mold on my tomato a friend. A friend, but certainly an unwelcome guest. It makes me less nervous putting them in the compost when I say "bye-bye" to them as I leave. It doesn't get rid of fear entirely. I don't expect it to, but it helps me understand them. The spider on my lamp was just looking for a warm spot to stay for the winter, that mold on the tomato was just decomposing it. They are just doing what they do. They both have a place in this world, screaming won't make them go away, and it won't solve any problems we'd have if they weren't here. Spiders eat and are eaten by others, they are part of a big circle, and fungus is part of that too, helping jumpstart life with fertile ground, and sometimes we get tasty mushrooms! All things are friends because they have a place in my world.

but ticks can fucking eat shit and die

Edgar Allan Poe

I don't drink my tea without milk or sweetener because I think I'm better than you.

I drink my tea without milk or sweetener because I need to save my daily sugar and milk intake for the three cups of coffee I have that are 60% milk and 30% sugra, also I am better than you