Latest Posts by theanimateddragon - Page 2

Exactly! Especially when we want nothing more than to be accepted for who we are, only to somehow keep screwing things up

To be autistic is to live in a constant state of yearning that can never be fulfilled

Ooooookay.

So this is partially the blog post I promised to my awesome mysterious tumblr mutual @lostclouds-world and partially an autism issue rant. If you don’t want to deal with that kind of stuff go ahead and skip this one.

So my friend that I’ve caught feelings for, has also told me numerous times that if I ever needed to talk that she’d listen. Well, of course I took that at face value, and because of how crappy this week has been mentally and lots of things bothering me, I finally caved and just poured it all out, including how I feel. It felt great to get everything off my chest, but I almost immediately felt like I had made some sort of mistake. It was so unfair of me to just put that all out there, even though I’d been told if I needed to I could.

Well it took almost all day for her to respond, and it turns out I was flipping right. I had once again apparently overstepped, and overshared. I had no shot to begin with, and now I’m not even sure I’ve got a friend because I was having a mini-crisis and turned to someone who had consistently told me that I could go to them if I needed to get stuff off my chest. So that’s that part. Now for the rant.

So why the flip do I even trust anyone when they say they’ll be there for me anymore? That every time someone says that if I need to talk, that they’ll listen? Pretty much every time I trust that, it turns out to be a lie. And why the flip do they try to assume that I want them to fix it?? Like if I’m talking to someone about something I don’t want them to fix it, I just want them to listen. I’m capable of dealing with crap myself, but talking it out helps. I swear sometimes I really hate being autistic because I can’t ever seem to be able to understand what people actually mean. And more importantly, why the flip do neurotypical people say things they don’t mean?? Like just say exactly what you mean, not what you think you should say. I’d have a lot more respect for people if that was how it worked.

But it’s not how it works, and so I’m stuck in a seemingly endless loop of trusting people only to be told that they’re not my therapist. Like you bitch of course you’re not my therapist. You’re my flipping friend, and YOU TOLD ME I COULD TRUST YOU IF I NEEDED TO TALK. But when I actually need to talk, it’s always either “I’m not equipped to handle this” or some variation of “I’m not your therapist”. Like cool, I wish I would’ve known you didn’t actually intend to just listen and let me rant BEFORE I came to you to rant.

And you know what, maybe it is just my fault for ranting to them in the first place. Yet when I talked to my therapist about wanting friends who will listen and be there for me while not trying to fix my problems for me, I was told BY MY THERAPIST that I needed to find friends who would do that. And how the flip am I supposed to do that without trusting my friends? I swear that I’m going to lose my mind if even one more person that tells me I can talk to them when I need to about whatever I’m going through only to turn around and act like I’m overstepping a boundary. People can really frigging suck without being a horrible person.

Like I’ve had a lot of good friends who are usually good people that I trusted only to then essentially lose them because I talk to them about whatever I’m going through, good or bad. So I’m questioning why the flip I even try to trust people anymore. Maybe it’s because I like trusting people to be good people, or maybe it’s because I can’t seem to not take people’s words at face value. Either way, it’s just another way my autism is alienating me from those close to me. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault somehow because I just trust people’s word and take them at face value. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I could just be normal and not struggle with this stupid part of living. I swear eventually the only people I will ever interact with is random people on the internet. Anyway, rant over. Thanks for coming, I’ll see y’all whenever. Hope y’all are doing better than I am

Man I hate scams and bots. I know all I can do is block, delete, and/or report, but I have to admit sometimes they’re so painfully obvious it’s funny.

Like I had an ask show up in my inbox once that was just the generic “please click this link and donate to this cause to save my [insert relation here]!” that has random and inconsistent bolding and emphasizing of words, to the point where it’s also bolding half of a word. Another thing too is that these usually try to appeal to a specific type of person. The one I’ve mentioned literally started off by saying “Hi Lesbians” exactly like that. Like what part of my blog makes you think I’m a lesbian and that I won’t immediately clock this as a scam??

It caught me so off guard that I couldn’t help but laugh at this frankly idiotic attempt at scamming me out of some money. I mean, in all fairness, these kinds of things are being spammed literally everywhere so there’s all sorts of people getting these so it makes sense to have a general greeting. But lesbians is just so specific and I just wasn’t expecting to be greeted like that at all, much less in a scam attempt.

I got a good laugh out of it all and that’s the most value that scammer ever had. But I can’t believe scammers get people to fall for this crap. Please stay safe out there folks and don’t let people take you for ANY of your information or money. Like I said at the beginning: block, report, and/or delete. Have a great end of the year

The holidays are mega weird when you’re depressed. Like this Christmas season has just felt so empty and it’s not for a lack of reasons to celebrate. I’m just getting older and my brain hates existing so it just doesn’t feel the same way that I have about the holiday season in the past

I’ll make an entire dedicated blog post about it just for you my mysterious tumblr mutual. It probably won’t be until after Christmas but it’ll happen this week for sure. Probably.

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

I can’ttttt I’m fairly sure she’s not interested

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

Oh shush it gets even better. This weekend’s been extra lonely because of the holiday, and as we speak she’s trying to cheer me up and let me talk about what’s going on. As if she ain’t the one person I want to tell everything but can’t because it’s her and if I do I risk pushing her away and that’s exactly the opposite of what I want. She’s literally just so kind and pretty and goodness gracious my heart

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

Uh yes. Yes you should. I will always support a mysterious mutual doing things they enjoy and sharing said things. I’d love see your drawings

@ms-macintosh @yourlocalkiller @you

Open tag because I barely have friends here lol

Literally couldn’t be me right now with my best friend who has shown me nothing but respect since I’ve met her. Sometimes I hate having feelings lol

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

What it feels like I’ve got to do just to feel decently okay about myself because life sucks sometimes. But also armor is just cool and wearing it around is fun. So there’s that aspect too. And having a cat companion (or a dog!) is just an added bonus

What in the fudge covered cheese cake is going on with life. I feel like I’m permanently living in a state of limbo.

Anyway what’s new with you fine folk that’ll see this?

Very accurate. I really don’t care to pretend around people. If you’re being an idiot I’m inclined to either say something about it or let my distaste for it, and you, be very evident. Usually the latter. But also sometimes there’s nothing you can do and so you just gotta walk away because if you don’t you’re going to lose braincells.

One of my favourite parts about autistic people is how you can use other peoples' reflections of them like an echolocation bullshit detector. Like they personally do not need to do shit for this to work, they just passively emit their own autistic vibe that bounces off every surface around them, and you can assess another person's level of self-awareness by how they reflect it back.

"Autistic people do not understand social hierarchy" nope, they understand you're supposed to be an authority here, but they won't politely pretend to respect you if they think you're incompetent.

"Autistic people do not understand humour" nope, they just don't politely pretend to laugh to humour you, and you are simply not funny.

"Autistic people are rude" nope, they just don't think it's polite to lie to you, and don't care about trying to tell you what they think you want to hear instead of telling you what they think.

"Autistic people sometimes have emotional meltdowns for absolutely no reason" nope, you're just insufferable to be around and the person with the lowest tolerance of your shit is simply the canary in the coal mine who breaks first.

NINE SOLS SPOILERS BELOW!! They’re minor non-story spoilers, but I said I’d put a warning anyway, so turn away if you don’t want to deal with it

General Yingzhao flipping sucks coming off a long break of combat games. He’s literally the first real boss of the game and because I haven’t played a video game where parrying is a REQUIRED mechanic in almost three years my skill flipping sucks and I’ve spent a cumulative two and a half hours just trying to consistently get to phase two.

I mean I get his first phase attack pattern really well but I just can’t parry consistently enough to avoid getting absolutely combo-womboed. And when I get comboed I get flipping COMBOED and there’s just nothing I can do but take it.

I “don’t” (I actually do) look forward to the next bosses of the game because I just want my parrying ability to not suck for once lol.

This lowkey sounds angry but I genuinely am so excited for the rest of the game once I can get to it. And it’s purely because this is the first game in a long while where I’ve actually enjoyed how stinking difficult the game is. The story is still confusing for now but I’m just here for the ride with my boy Yi.

I am very conflicted.

Either I play more Nine Sols, which is a great idea™️! Cool game with fun challenging combat with a super interesting story.

OR

I play more of S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2, which is also a great idea™️! Cool game with fun challenging combat with a super immersive story.

So I have to pick to either help my boy Yi figure out to execute his plan and beat the snot out of the other Sols (as far as I know anyway), or help my other boy Skif figure out where the heck the anomaly artifact thingy that bombed his house went because gosh dang it I want that thing back from the people who stole it. It ruined his life and I want it back.

Either awesome technological world that doesn’t make a lot of sense right now because hidden story, or an awesome post-apocalyptic world that has never made any sense because radiation is a thing and that thing makes mutants and weird balls of power that do funny things.

Can you tell which one I’ve played more of recently?? Man I hate having multiple hyperfixations at the same time. Feels like I’m constantly picking favorites when I don’t even really have a favorite I just have to focus on one rather than the other.

Sooooo I may or may not have found my new hyperfixation in Nine Sols..

It’s just such a good game. Very solid combat, to the point where I’m genuinely really enjoying the challenge. Art is still very much on point. It’s kind of confusing story-line wise right now though because I’m at the point where it’s starting to reveal a bunch of characters and some backstory stuff. I have a few different theories as to why Yi is on this journey of his, so I’m super excited to get further in the game.

Also my next few, probably several, posts will most likely be about the game so if you don’t want spoilers avoid those. I’ll be putting spoiler warnings on each post so it’s easier to avoid if you dear random viewer don’t want to have the game and story points spoiled.

Finally started playing Nine Sols, and while I haven’t really gotten all that far (like maybe 20 minutes in tops) I already freaking love the art direction of the game. Everything looks SO GOOD! It blows my mind every time I enter a new area how well it blends into the previous one. Also the COLORS! Everything is just so stinking good about this game so far. Here’s hoping the story continues to be good.

Such a mood. I wish I had the space to collect more things but I don’t

The autistic urge to collect

Late night post = no thoughts head empty.

What if we randomly gained the ability to just grow extra appendages for a time? Like a third arm for an hour or a tail for 20 minutes? What would that do to daily life? What would change if anything?

Hope you people who see this had a good holiday (or day in general if you don’t do Thanksgiving) today. I got to eat some pretty darn good food so that’s what I’m grateful for. Family is great too. Got pretty lucky that I’ve got a good family to spend time with.

I wish I could have a cat, even though my family has serious allergies to them. They’re just little chaos gremlins who occasionally like to sit on your chest so you can’t get up from the couch. Maybe one day I’ll be able to adopt one. One day I WILL have a chaos buddy and they’ll probably rule the universe at some point.

Can’t imagine how people can live their life alone as adults. Like what do you mean I can’t just call up a friend and plan an outing to get food, or watch a movie, or just hang out? What do you mean society and life in general tries to keep people apart??

As a kid I was taught that having friends and being a good friend was super important, but we all let our work and other life worries get in the way of that, so what changed? Is having friends just not actually that important?? Am I missing something or what?

OR, just maybe, it’s me. Maybe, just maybe, I haven’t found the right people yet…

Oh who am I kidding, society hates when people have social lives and friends. All of our time is supposed to be put into making money so rich people can make more money. No time for friends, we gotta spend our time wasting away either in school or at work for the establishment because otherwise it’s really freaking hard to even survive. Moreso work than schooling, since I do believe that getting an education is important, but we also gotta have a good work/life balance so we can have time to spend with our friends and families.

Anyway random thought of the morning over

Man I love being both autistic and adhd at the same time. Can’t focus on just one thing I gotta collect all the hyperfixations like trading cards that I’m never gonna do anything with. It’s great lol

Literally every time I come up with an NPC on the spot they become an unoffical party mascot or some such.

You know what blows my mind sometimes when I randomly remember it? How crazy military weapon systems can be. Like just the other day I was talking with a friend about anti-air weapons and the crazy high fire rate some of them have.

They had seen a video of some system, and how it seemed to be loaded with just tracer rounds but they were spitting these tracers out really quick. And I got to reveal to them that those tracers were actually like every 10-20 or so rounds, so the crazy amount of red lines in the video from the tracers were actually a fraction of what was being shot from this weapon system.

Now that I think more about this interaction I think it was a CWIS system on a Navy vessel but he didn’t show me the video so I don’t actually know what kind. But that stuff actually exists and it’s so crazy to me that the military has that kind of fire power as a defensive option. Really cool though.

Anyway, random hyperfixation post over

Man I love having no cohesive thoughts sometimes. Been trying to think of something worthwhile to post but can’t. So that’s my random thought. Brain be wilding not making any sense. Love that for me.

Quite accurate

The autistic experience is wanting to be an artist, a writer, a baker, an animator, a mother, somebodies wife, be totally independent, have a large friend group, only have one friend, move away and never speak to anyone ever again, never leave home, collect stuffed animals, heal your inner child, be a grown up, stay young at heart, get a job but not something you aren’t passionate about, eat safe foods, hate your safe foods because you’ve eaten them too much, scream and cry about how you feel like no one understands and you don’t fit in, love being different and not fitting in and not being able to do any of it because the seam of your sock isn’t sitting correctly.

Have some choccy milk. You deserve it!

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

Not anyone I feel worthy of being loved by that’s for sure

"I identify as the love of your life, my pronouns are 'who's/she?'"

Here’s a really rough 20 minute sketch of a mountain (don’t mention the shading ik it’s bad)

I saw it and figured why not sketch it out since I had my sketchbook with me for once lol