I Don't Want Elon Musk To Kill Himself Because That Would Get Him Some Sympathy From Liberals And "oh

ashes to ashes, dust to dust, reeses to pieces

ALL HAIL!!!

Shresus (Shrimp Jesus) has brought me salvation

I'm eating it

ok, I want you to imagine that I have placed a tiny little wizard in the palm of your hand. they are no more than a few inches tall.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your scroll on tumblr today, thank you

He has a side quest for you

Walked into a bar and saw this

I spent a lot of time handcuffed and in a cage in high school, for a charity bit the grocery store I worked at would do

the bit was that I was "put in jail for having too big a heart" and customers could donate to my bail to get me out (and the money would go to a children's hospital or something)

now. I was very clearly a teenaged employee handcuffed inside a large cage. and I would honestly tell people that I had been in there for hours. and people would say, that's terrible! that's awful! and I would show them my wrists red from the tight handcuffs, and say but I'm sooooooo close to making bail.

and then they would dump some cash in the basket, I'd thank them, and they'd walk away.

and every so often, one of the managers would come by and collect some of the cash, so I could keep being soooooo close to making bail.

I was very good with this bit. Parents with small kids would pay $5-10 if I told their children I had been placed in jail for not cleaning my room/doing my homework, etc. For people in their 20s, I'd threaten that I was very bad at playing the harmonica, but I WOULD play it and we'd all suffer unless they paid me. and for the most amount of money, older men in suits would almost always pay $20s if I avoided eye contact and stammered a lot.

eventually, the managers started to feel bad because I was in the cage so fucking long and often, that I'd need someone to brace me when I got out because I'd have no feeling in my legs. wobbling like a newborn giraffe.

but I would also rake in at LEAST $100 an hour in charity.

so they were like, hey champ. can we, uh, give you a pillow to sit on. in the cage. would you like a pillow so you're not just sitting on a cold metal slab. can we give you a pillow.

and I had to explain to them that if they gave me a pillow, people would think I was more comfortable, so they wouldn't feel as bad, so I'd bring in less money.

the compromise was that they'd bring me a nice coffee every couple hours, which I would have to try to block with my body from the customers.

all this money went to charity. that's what the money was for. it's what was on the sign. but how much they were willing to pay was very contingent on how comfortable I looked, never mind the fact that I was still a teenaged employee handcuffed inside a cage.

and out of the dozens of shifts I did this on, not ONCE did ANYONE say, hey kid I'm going to go talk to your manager because what the fuck is going on here. they would just drop money in the basket, and I'd thank them and sip from my secret drink.

I actually had people get MAD at me that I told them I was far away from bail, they donated like $15, and then 20 minutes I got let out because my shift ended.

again. the money was for charity. it was on the sign that was very clearly placed on the upper half of my cage.

so yeah. even when people think they mean well. people can be really, really fucking stupid.

This is just A Boy Named Sue by Johnny Cash

Parenting tip: name your kid something dumb in order to help them get bullied at school

Dang, you're tall compared to me- I am a short king at a mere 5'2

@gigglesum @ketchup-will-live-through-this @fall1ngawayfromm3 @mydogtypedthis and anyone else who wants to try-

@ mutuals rb this w how tall you are i wanna know

i’m 4’11

Some days, I remember I am in fact gay. Evil, evil thing.

HE HAVETH THE TOT

Tater Tots are better than French Fries and I will not be taking any counter arguments

AWWWW

@gigglesum @starman-01

You are someone’s treasured mutual.