While My Mind Is Racing In My Failed Attempts Of Letting Him Go

oh my god this is something out of life experience

For my wife, after a near-death experience on the eve of our anniversary

When I tell you I believe in love at first at sight, I mean that every time I look you are a different person. I mean that looking’s not the same as seeing—we’re not static. It’s an hypothesis the sun will rise tomorrow. Every day I see it, and worry is the thief of so much joy, but not of this— that I don’t take it for granted. And when I say “I love you” every time you take the car, I mean not only that we almost hit a moose the other day. I mean it’s easier to write a sex scene than a make-out session. I mean I can’t describe your breath into another mouth, it’s so familiar— and the passion that could make it last forever came from novelty or desperation. So I think about meteors when we kiss. I think of supernovas, blackholes, gamma ray bursts and all the things in space that could vaporize us— every mass extinction event except the Anthropocene because that’s too depressing. I think about there being no god and no heaven and no higher purpose when I look into your eyes and I don’t need them, I just need time to slow down. I’m sorry I haven’t written you more poems, my love, they’re not marketable I think. People like to read themselves into these things and, well you know I like to write them there. But it’s not for me to say— this ‘you’ is only yours. I’ve put nothing on a pedestal that wasn’t my own. And when I ask if you can take a sick day while the kid’s at school, I mean not only that I want to ravish you in every room; I mean it doesn’t matter if we hit those moose or not— I mean that I don’t want us to grow old together, I want to be there when that meteor hits, stopping time forever— I won’t go into that light without you. And when I say “I love you” and “sleep well”, I mean I hope to see you in the morning for the first time. I mean that I would walk a thousand miles in the night to toss a pebble at your bedroom window, lift a boombox and shout: I’ve known you for a century; let me in your life. * * * Written Novemeber 2020.

you’re sat in the library, there are thousands of leather-bound books surrounding you. it’s late enough that most people have already left but early enough that you’re still only on your first coffee. you’re reading an academic text on a topic you’re really interested in. you’re feeling motivated for the night ahead of you.

so i was reading on the road by jack kerouac i saw this quote 

“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

and immediately thought of northern downpour by ryan ross

“Hey moon, please forget to fall down Hey moon, don’t you go down You are at the top of my lungs Drawn to the ones who never yawn”

i mean at least i didn’t notice this before

coincidence sir? i think not.

we all know ryan always does this (like rimbaud’s “we must reinvent love” quote) he’s great

ryan ross is a fucking genius and the master of references

If only I had the balls to actually end it all

I’m a background character in everyone’s life. I’m not important to anyone. I don’t even matter.

Workout I use, credit to the creator. I’ve reblogged it before but can’t find it again:(

the reason of me still existing is my weakness, and the same thing is the reason of my unwillingness to live. my mom doesn’t need me because i’m ungrateful piece of shit just like my brother as she says, my dad just doesn’t really care. the only person that made my life better and happy, is the one whom i’m making miserable, and for whom it is hard to be with me p, not due me being piece of shit but because of his own problems and past. i don’t feel right now. i don’t feel alive. i don’t feel happy. i don’t feel care. coming from others nor from myself. i try to smile, every fucking day i try to fake it until i would make it, but on this planet shit doesn’t seem to work this way. i’m already dead, all flowers in my soul are intoxicated, and i’m going to be nothing, i feel nothing, i want nothing, i have nothing. nothing to loose. people for whom i could live, hope that i will die. i’m making everyone’s life miserable and i’m the first in the list of those people. i need pain, i love pain, because i could never fully appreciate happiness. i don’t know the price of anything im a piece of shit and nobody needs me, and i am so fucking weak i can’t even make a blessing for everyone and just fucking kill myself, i’m this kind of an awful person, i’m so weak i hate myself , i hate every muscle bone and organ that i have i should be hanged or killed by the worst kind of death ever i just hope it will happen soon and i just hope to die

7 Comfort Films

I was tagged by @academicsuggestions

Mamma Mia! (And Mamma Mia 2)

The Princess Diaries

Moonrise Kingdom

Clueless

Scream

Legally Blonde

All Harry Potter films

I tag @theladyvampira @darkacademaniac @dark-academiia and anyone else who wants to participate 🖤

push yourself to do the hard yards. if we always listened to that sneaky part of ourselves, humans never would’ve achieved anything. stay up a little later, wake up a little earlier, turn on that website blocker a little longer and always remember that success is something you need to work for every single day, no matter how you feel or how many people tell you that you can’t do it, even if one of those people is yourself. no one is guaranteed to stay in your life, not even the people you think will be with you forever (especially those people), so how about you set up your life instead of wasting it away focusing on other people. and always remember that setbacks are a given, but you’ve gotta get out of there, for your own sake. 

when i’m about to be happy

you destroy me in pieces

intensions are different,

in tension you leave me

no pain turns my mind into hate

my love is more than i can break

give me peace in this mess that you’ve build

stay, and i will give you more than you ever did.

monolithic love that i’m telling about in my monologue,

it is story for two

and i wasn’t even a drop

in your pool.