I’m Working On More Joshua X Reader I Just Haven’t Had Any Time Recently... Thank U For Being Patient

better than yourself

Joshua Rosfield x writer!Reader

1005 words, fluff

Short fluffy fic for Valentine’s. Happy Valentine’s Day! It’s the same reader as anecdotal inspiration, but you don’t have to read it to read this one (but I would be very happy if you did :))

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You sighed, leaning forward and bumping your head against the book in your hands.

Opposite you, Joshua gave you a curious look. “Is something the matter?”

This had been going on for a while: you often spent your free time scrawling down children’s stories in blank notebooks, and when you had finished, put them up in a quaint corner in the library for the children to peruse. There weren’t many books suitable for the young ones at the Hideaway. You would never have dared to initiate something like this yourself, but with Harpocrates’ kind, homely encouragement that you would almost accuse as manipulative, your hobby had found meaning in one of the lowest shelves that any child could reach.

Then you had an unexpected patron—the younger of the Rosfield brothers, no less—and he was somewhat of a busybody, and he’d become particularly sticky to you after finding out you were the author of those stories in the tattered notebooks. But if anybody asked you if you minded it, you wouldn’t say you did.

You turned the closed book over in your hands. It was a random book on the history of Valisthea that you’d picked off the shelf in hopes of finding an answer. “I’m looking for a word, but I can’t remember it…”

“Have you consulted the dictionary?”

“I don’t remember what letter it starts with, so that’s not helpful.” …You hadn’t come across as rude, had you? “Um, but thanks.”

Joshua didn’t look ruffled in the slightest. He slid his own book shut and propped his elbows up on the table. “Then, would you like to describe it to me? I might know what word it is.”

He most definitely did. Although you’d done your own fair share of reading, it was hard to deny that Joshua was much more well-read than you, or anyone else at the Hideaway. Sometimes he’d dive into a monologue patterned with flowery sentences, but maybe you’d given him one too many confused looks, because he had pretty much stopped doing that with you. But those alone were enough to prove to you he had picked up far more books than you—although that was to be expected, considering he had been raised in royalty.

You let the book in your hands slide down onto the table, chewing on your bottom lip. “Well… it’s part of a castle.”

Joshua nodded attentively. “I grew up in one.”

Oh, you’d forgotten that. “It’s something like a tower..? I think? They’re usually along the walls—at least I think they are.”

“Are you thinking of a turret?”

Right—that was the word. “That’s—That’s the word. Thanks.”

“Delighted to be of help.” He leaned forward. “What did you need it for?”

“Are you asking for spoilers?”

He puffed his cheeks indignantly, almost like a child. “It’s been a fair while since you’ve published anything, so you will have to pardon me for being curious.”

Published was far too fancy of a term for you.

You glanced down, turning your wrist over experimentally. “Tarja said my wrist hasn’t been good, so I haven’t written much for a while.”

“Oh?” Faint alarm was tinged in his voice, despite him usually trying to keep a composed facade, something you had picked up on yourself. “What happened?”

Apparently, you’d been writing too much. It had prompted a cramp in your hand and after paying a visit to Tarja, who had suggested the most probable cause was your extended periods of time jotting away at your desk. Which you had initially found weird, since it had never happened before. Then after some reflection, you had realised in the past few weeks, particularly after a specific someone discovering your secret of writing those books, you had been feeling too motivated to settle down; sometimes you’d even forego a good night’s worth of rest to spend the time whittling away at words.

Not that you would ever say any of that out loud, so the long and short of it was: “I wrote too much—so my hand hurts.”

Joshua frowned. “Is it an injury?”

“Something like that… I think.” You hoped you weren’t wrong.

“I could heal you, if you’d like?” he offered.

Injured hand darting in front of your chest reflexively, you shook your head. “I couldn’t—you should save your powers for other… stuff.”

He didn’t seem to agree. “What better stuff would prevail over this?”

“People who are actually being useful on the field?” you tried.

This time he frowned at you. “Perhaps you don’t think your contributions are befitting of any reward?”

That wasn’t… “I don’t mean that, but…”

You weren’t sure what you were trying to say, either, so you trailed off. For a long moment, there was a stuffy silence between the two of you. Although you were terrible at conversing with others, Joshua always seemed to know what to say at every moment, so stretches of quiet didn’t happen with him often. Now that there was one, it felt gut wrenchingly nauseating and you contemplated excusing yourself to the toilet so you could retreat back to your bunk and shut the door and wither and die in a corner.

When he finally spoke again, it was soft. “I won’t do anything that you aren’t comfortable with. But as for your implications that your writing and your work aren’t important, those I can’t agree with. Reading your stories holds more importance than just a moment of respite for the children, and myself, as well—and if you allowed the others to peruse them, I’m sure they’d come to the same conclusion.”

Joshua held out his hand across the table.

“So, please don’t think any less of yourself.”

You stared at his outreached hand.

Slowly, from in front of your chest, to over the table, to the palm of his hand, you reached back out to him.

It was funny. You had never even said it out loud, and maybe you hadn’t even realised it yourself, so how, you wondered, did Joshua seem to know you better than yourself?

Somethings Never Change, Feelings Never Fade 1/?

This is a long (long) one shot for Joshua Rosfield. I came in as a huge Clive fan but in the end Joshua stole it all. So here is a long ass story dedicated to one of my faves featuring an OC. This story will be about 3 parts long. Enjoy!

TW: mentions of death, blood, prostitution.

Word count: 3.7K

Character:

Name: Kadenza Gender: Female Race: Human/Black Age(s): 10 (prologue); 18; 23 (in game first time skip); 28 (in game second time skip) Eye color: dark brown Height: 5'3 Hair: sandy brown and curly almost shoulder length

Part 1: The flow of time and life

The Grand Duchy of Rosaria

Watching with bated breath I gasped out in awe at the prowess of the first shield, Clive Rosfield. Not a boy but not yet a man and he had possessed such power. I couldn't help but marvel at that fact. How I wished to wield a sword with such precision, then I would fear not the loss of another but to also be a pillar of strength such as him.

"He's amazing! Wonderful! STUPENDOUS!" I cry out as I clasp my hands together. Watching Clive train among Rosaria's Shields had to be one of my favorite parts of the day. With all my heart, I hoped to someday serve as a shield and looked upon him as motivation that one day I too would be able to fight just like him or at least alongside him. "Amazing Clive!"

Beside me I heard the giggles of Jill as she too, clapped in agreement, "He is quite strong. A fine swordsman, indeed."

"Yes, yes! I agree!" I nod enthusiastically, "One day, I'll be just like him."

From beside me Jill beams as we make eye contact, "You truly want to be a swordswoman that bad?"

"Of course! I can protect the Duchy that has taken me in as their ward and has treated me with kindness. I wish to repay my gratitude." I smile to myself as I look back to the two sparring warriors.

"If you dedicate all your time to that, how ever will you spend time with Joshua? Isn't he helping you with your reading?"

Just the talk of reading made my face scrunch in disdain. I hated reading… but with Jill and Clive's insistence, along with a light scolding from the Archduke himself that a lady should be well learned, I was forced to read and practice my script. How dull.

"I'd much rather fight- Joshua could always watch."

A snicker leaves her lips as she shakes her head at my stubbornness. I knew I could be a pain sometimes. Too headstrong and never wanting to conform to what was expected of me. I wanted, with all my heart, to be a Shield of Rosaria yet the Duchess preferred that someone of my "status'' be an attendant to the Duchy or moreso… a lady in waiting for whenever she decided her precious son be betrothed.

"Why must I pay my gratitude in servitude to something so boring? A lady in waiting? What a waste… I am far more capable than a docile wall flower…"

"I agree."

Gasping at the sudden intrusion of another voice, I turn to see Joshua standing with his hands behind his back smiling up at where Jill and I sat atop a large crate.

"What are you doing here?" Jill asks as she slowly turns her attention back to the training ground where Clive and the Lord Commander spar.

Moving closer he looks up to us with a shy smile, "I have come for Kadenza… It is time for our studies."

Scoffing, I turn my head to the side with a slight pout on my face, much to the amusement of Jill as she turns back to watch the bickering that was to ensue. "I wish not to study- I much rather watch our valiant Shields, for one day I too will also take up sword and shield."

Letting out a sigh, Joshua is all too familiar with this argument "That may be so but you mustn't neglect your studies."

"Studies? To be a flower, polished and prim. No. I shall stay."

"Kadenza. You know it's your duty as it is mine. Please… must we have this argument each time?" Joshua pleads, stepping closer and reaching his hand out to mine. Friend or not he would not trick me once again with his sweet natured approach. All too often I found myself bending at his will but not at this moment.

Hopping down from my position alongside Jill, I stare the young Phoenix in his icy blue eyes defiantly, "Yes we will argue for I could care less about studies. I am to be a warrior not a lady!"

"Kadenza!" Joshua exasperates.

A hearty chuckle sounds off behind us as the Lord Commander leans against the fence post watching Joshua and I. Clive has found purchase alongside the Commander just as eager to watch.

"This again, Kadenza?" Clive laughs as I stomp my foot.

"But-"

"Lady Kadenza. As fiery as always, maybe you are meant to bare steel!" Lord Murdoch laughs as I turn to him beaming with pride before it is immediately crushed with his next statement, "Yet your duty at the moment is to bare quill and ink."

"But my lord-"

"My lady, please see to your studies. Your quibble with the young lord is quite unbecoming and… distracting." He laughs as I pout even more.

I cross my arms, turning away from everyone annoyed, "Fine… but I won't like it."

Joshua grins at my defeat before reaching for my wrist, "Come now. We've much to cover!" Pulling me behind him I groan in disdain as he pulls me behind him as the training grounds disappear from my sight.

–

Weaving through the halls of the Duchy, I realized we were not headed to study. "Joshua? Where are we going?"

"Shh- just a bit further." He grins glancing back at me before continuing his trek. I can only eye him in suspicion as he tugs me along with him until we finally come to a nearly empty storage room within the castle.

With inquiring eyes I look around at the space confused "Why are we here? I thought we were going to study."

Nervously glancing at his feet he looks up through wisps of fluffy hair almost bashful, "We are… but I wanted to give you something first… for your birthday."

Slightly taken aback, I feel my heart skip a beat suddenly flustered. I never knew my birthday, only my age… and sometimes that was questionable. I had been found by Archduke Rosfield, my home in tatters due to war. At that moment as I stared into his steely blue eyes all I knew was that I could not find my parents and that I didn't want to die… Everything else was irrelevant and remained so even until now.

"My birthday…? But I don't have one, you know that?" I whisper.

Taking a few steps forward Joshua grabs my hands and smiles, "That's why from this day forward, today will be your birthday. And I have a present for you to prove it! Close your eyes."

"A present, for me?"

"Yes but you must close your eyes." He laughs watching as I hesitantly close my eyes. Listening to his footsteps. I heard rummaging and little huffs of his breath. I do my best to try not to peek but the excitement of receiving a gift never seemed to fail me.

And as the anticipation is finally getting to me and I nearly peek when I hear Joshua's light scolding, "You can't look yet!"

I giggle but continue to keep my eyes closed as I hear his footsteps near me again. "Kadenza, hold your hands out."

Bouncing on my toes in excitement I lift my hands waiting for whatever it was that Joshua planned to give me and then I feel it. A soft weight plops into my hands. At this point I am chewing my lower lip in excitement, "Can I look now?'

"Yes."

Opening my eyes, I look down at the cloth in my hands tied with twine, "Can I… can I open it?"

"Of course it's your birthday gift!" He chirps in anticipation.

Smiling brightly I untie the twine, letting it fall to the ground before unwrapping the cloth. I gasp in amazement at what was hidden inside. A dagger. A dagger of simple design with a leather bound handle that had initials engraved on it, KR.

"This is… for me? What are the initials?"

Grinning, Joshua reaches for the dagger but hesitates. He looks to me for permission and I nod. Gingerly taking the blade in his hand he smiles, "It is yours… and they are your initials. K for Kadenza and R for Rosfield."

I looked at him in surprise… Not only was I given a birthday and a present but also a last name, "Joshua…?"

"Would you mind kneeling?"

I nod slightly confused and look up to him waiting to see what he planned.

"I knight thee Kadenza Rosfield. To be not only a sword but a shield of Rosaria. May you hold this dagger until it is replaced by the steel of a sword." My eyes widen in shock as he taps the dagger on each of my shoulders before gently tapping it upon my head.

"With the flames of the Phoenix, may you be blessed."

"Joshua…"

Joshua reaches for my hand and helps me to my feet embracing me in a hug, "You are my best friend and I will always be on your side. When I become Archduke, you will be one of my shields. My mother won't have a say then."

Pulling away from the hug we observe each other before laughing, "I look forward to it, thank you for the birthday gift."

"What are friends for?" He snickers before all color drains from his face as he hears our names being shouted through the castle. "It seems we might be in trouble for skipping our lessons."

–

Later that night, I was searching the castle looking for Joshua. I heard that at daybreak he and the Archduke would set off for Phoenix Gate. I couldn't help but worry… Being the Phoenix and all… it was quite a burden. Wherever he is, I'll find him and raise his spirits before he leaves. It's the least I can do for my best friend.

After sneaking through the castle for nearly 15 minutes I finally find Joshua, sitting in the gardens on the ground with his shoulders slumped watching the night sky.

"Joshua?"

He hums in acknowledgment but doesn't answer me.

"Tomorrow… you will be going to Phoenix Gate." I mention as I take a seat beside him on the ground, "Are you nervous?"

He heaves a sigh as he glances towards me, "A little… everyone's doing their part but I'm afraid."

"Afraid?"

"I am the Phoenix but what if I'm not good enough… Clive and everyone are doing their parts but what if I can't?"

Furrowing my brows, I know there's not much I can do to ease his fear but I know that there's at least one thing I can do.

"The only thing you can't do is grow tall and eat carrots," I jest as he quickly whips his attention to me, a playful smile donning his face.

Shoving my shoulder slightly he laughs, "That's not fair! I too can grow taller- it's just not my time yet!"

"Well then how about the carrots?" He reaches to push me again before I get up and start to run away.

"Hey come back!" He whisper shouts as he chases after me.

"Not a chance! Eat your carrots and you might be able to keep up. Or better yet, grow taller! Maybe then with long legs you can catch me."

"Just you wait! I'll grow taller and you'll never be able to escape me!"

Doing our best to not laugh too loudly, we play among the gardens to our hearts content, that is until our attendants are alerted to our whereabouts. As we're both reprimanded we do our best not to laugh as we steal glances at each other before being escorted off to our separate chambers.

May the Founders protect you, Joshua.

–

At dawn Joshua and the Archduke left, and not too shortly after, Clive along with two other Shields set off on their own mission. Watching them depart, all I could do was pray that the Founders be with them as they venture to Phoenix Gate.

With everything being so quiet, the day passed on uneventfully. With not as many distractions to keep me busy, I had been forced by the Duchess herself to sit down to learn more etiquette for my eventual position of lady in waiting. Luckily, Jill was with me most of the time so it wasn’t entirely too painful. But just like that the day comes to pass.

Changing into a nightgown, I breathe out a sigh wondering how Joshua was doing. He was so nervous this morning but I’m sure he’s doing his part to fulfill his duty.

Getting down on my knees, I say a prayer to the Founders, wishing for everyone’s safety and a swift return. Smiling to myself, I reach under my bed to grab the dagger I had been hiding. Unwrapping it from its cloth I hold it close to my chest and close my eyes.

“Archduke said you all would be home in a matter of days… I hope you are doing fine, Joshua, my dearest friend. I pray that you fulfill your duty so that all will see you how I do.” Squeezing the dagger to my chest, I say one more prayer before rewrapping the blade. However, tonight, instead of returning it to its hiding place, I lay the blade beside my pillow wrapped in cloth.

I slowly crawl into bed and lay down, turning to look at the blade. A sleepy grin tugs at my lips.

Once Joshua returns, I will return it to its hiding place.

–

"Ka… denza… Ka…denza…KADENZA! Wake up!" I rouse with a start to Jill's panicked voice and hands gripping my shoulders wildly.

Still dazed, I still can’t grasp what is happening, "Jill! What's-"

"There's no time! Follow me- Quickly!" With that she’s dragging me out of my bed and making haste to the door.

“Wait! My dagger!” I cry, pulling away from her grasp and running to grab the cloth covered dagger.

I sigh in relief once the object is in my hand but am immediately snatched by my wrist as Jill tugs me out of my room into the halls of the castle where the horrific scene of blood and flames are everywhere. I can hear the distant screams of the servants and bearers being slaughtered and the clank of metal boots growing closer.

"Stay quiet and follow me- we can't stay here." She rasps as we begin our descent into the halls of the Duchy.

Jill carefully tugs me along as we duck down halls and stay hidden within the shadows of statues and pillars. I want to speak but my voice is lost as we traverse the halls while Jill frantically surveys room to room making sure we are not caught. Soon enough we find ourselves outside where she quickly pushes me to the wall and presses her hand over my mouth. I attempt to speak out but my muffled voice dies out as I hear the yells of soldiers running by shouting.

“Make sure to kill everyone! No one is to be left alive except the children! We'll take them as prisoners!”

Hearing that made my heart pound in my ears just like that time long ago when my village was destroyed and I was left orphaned. I could hear my heart in my ears and my chest felt tight. It’s happening again. I’m losing everything… again. Jill can see the anxiety in my eyes and looks in my eyes as to soothe me, as we wait for the soldiers to disperse. I wonder if she felt as terrified as me.

Hearing the last of the soldiers clearing out she roughly continues tugging me behind her until she reaches the chocobo stables nearly tripping over herself in a panicked state.

What was going on? Why were the imperials attacking?

"Jill- What are we going to do?" I cried, pulling my hand away. I could feel my chest heaving in exhaustion. I hardly have a moment to spare before I'm being pulled along again, "Jill!"

"You need to hide! But where?" She's practically in a manic state and ignoring my calls of her name. She stumbles upon a crate in which seeds for the chocobo are stored.

"Quickly! In here!" Forcing me inside the chest she pushes me down attempting to lower the lid.

Desperately, I push against the lid as I lurch forward to hug her, "Jill stop! Please!"

Hugging me tightly she swiftly pulls away, tears beginning to spill down her flushed cheeks,"No you must hide!"

"But Jill! What of you??" I cry attempting to cling unto her as she pushes me away and down into the chest. My hands are scrambling for her as the tears freely pour from my eyes, a hiccuped sob coming from me. My chest heaved in pain as all my attempts were thwarted as she grabbed my shoulders firmly.

"Kadenza stop! You must stay put… and when all is silent, run far and run fast!"

Looking down, the tears in my eyes sting as they flow freely, "I can't… not by myself… not without you." Pulling me into a tight embrace Jill gently soothes a hand over my back before pulling away and pushing me to lie down in the chest.

"You must- please… do not make a sound and stay hidden until all is over."

Heartbroken, I lie there silently sobbing as she places a kiss on my forehead before gently shutting the crate. Clutching the clothed dagger to my chest, I curl up in a ball. All that I could hear from that moment on were the sounds of her boots against the ground and the shutting of the stable before she left.

And after that screams.

8 years later

Here it was. Only a few more days until my 18th birthday… and the day after… the anniversary of my friends passing. Eight years passed by but my heart was still as heavy as the day I lost everyone and everything I had come to love. All stolen from me in one fell swoop. That night lived in my dreams, etched into my heart. I could never forget.

Late into that night when all fell silent, I heeded Jill’s advice. I ran far… and I ran fast. As fast as my legs could carry me. Barefoot with only a dirty nightgown clinging to me. All I had left to my name was a single dagger and nothing more. As I ran, I promised myself that eventually I would find my way back home and that I would give my friends the proper send off they deserved.

But that was easier said than done. Instead after all this time, I had found myself here in Northreach with The Dame as my charge and I her ward.

I happened across her on the year of my thirteenth birthday and from there she had taken care of me as one of her own after nearly having my hand cut off for pickpocketing. She came to my aid in that moment, quelling the anger of the imperial soldiers with her charm. I was indebted to her but she didn’t seem to care as she reprimanded me for my brash behavior. She took me in and was the closest thing to a family that I had had in a long while and I was thankful.

However, with my eighteenth birthday rapidly approaching I was ready to go out on my own. To finally make my way to Rosalith... yet only a few things stood in my way.

“But Isabelle! I will be of age soon, I can be a Courtesan!” I plead with her as I follow her through the courtyard of The Veil. I had been pestering her for months now after I overheard how much the Courtesans made from patrons. If I were to ever leave, I needed a way to quickly earn gil so that I could eventually leave.

She turns to me with scorn, irritated at my insistence. “You will not! As long as you are my charge, I will not allow it. Continue working with the apothecary. You do not belong at The Veil, understood?”

“But… how will I earn enough money to leave? I barely have enough from the clinic to even scrape up enough for bread. If I become a courtesan, I’ll have more than enough to leave-”

She holds up her hand cutting me off, growing even more frustrated with me, “Do you think once you become a courtesan you will be able to come and go as you please? Don’t be so childish.”

“But-”

“You said you wanted to travel… well become a competent apothecary and you will be able to go as you please. But as a courtesan you will remain here in Sanbreque.”

Clenching my jaw, I can’t help but fume in anger. Who would need an apothecary when there were healers to do the job. I would virtually be useless. “I will never be able to leave with such little pay, Isabelle! Please-”

“Enza, enough. I will hear no more of it.” She crosses her arms across her chest ending the argument.

I clench my fist in frustration before storming away. I hated this all. Everything. How was I supposed to return to Rosalith now? How was I to return home? Although I knew there would be nothing waiting for me there, I still yearned to one day visit where I was the happiest and pay my respects to my fallen friends and family. But how would I be able to travel without the means to even pay for a single night at an Inn let alone food?

I was fucked. There were no other options. Were I to be stuck here in Sanbreque until my last breath?

-

“Enza! There you are!” I hear someone call from the doorway of my room within The Veil.

Turning around I see one of Isabelle’s courtesans coming to me excitedly, “What brings you here, Marclene?”

“Aye! The Dame says that you are to be a courtesan, I’m here to bathe you! You have an eager patron awaiting you in one of the private rooms.”

“Are… Are you serious? She actually agreed??” I gasp in shock. After all the pestering to Isabelle over the past few months she finally agrees.

“Of course girl! Now come, you're filthy! We can’t disappoint your first patron.” Marclene says matter of factly, striding across the room she grips my wrist and pulls me from my place on my bed andguides me out of my room down the hall.

“By Greager, this is actually happening!” I gasp out stumbling over my feet slightly as I try to keep pace with Marclene.

“Of course! All that fuss has paid off! Now hurry! We mustn’t keep your handsome patron waiting.” Marclene giggles as pulls me along to the baths.

-

Sitting in the tub, Marclene scrubs at my skin with a cloth while idly chatting away.

“Your first time will be slightly uncomfortable but after that it will be a breeze. As easy as taking a breath! Men are too easy,” She laughs out as she pours water over my shoulder. The wispy bits of curls that touch my shoulders dampen and curl even further in on itself. I am paying half attention to her banter wondering how many patrons I will need to acquire. Would it be many or few? I just needed enough to eventually steal away in the late hours of the night.

A cascade of water pours over my head spurring me out of my thoughts as I turn to Marclene bewildered. She chuckles while pushing my wet curly bangs from my face, “You're quite beautiful and young. Men will pay a fortune to be in your company. I wonder how your first patron saw you and how much he is paying for your chastity? You are quite the lucky girl.”

I scrunch my face in disgust, much to her amusement as she continues on bathing me. I could care less for the actual act of physical intimacy, all that mattered was the money to follow. It’s a shame that the cost of my freedom will be paid with my body but in this village I have no other option.

At least for one of my birthdays I would like to go home and if this is what it takes then I will endure.

Closing my eyes I continue to listen to Marclene, only answering with hums of acknowledgement and the occasional nod. I needed to do my best not to overthink. It would be easier that way.

-

My bodice is tight and my short curly hair seems even more curly and short as it has curled even tighter with the application of water. What was once on my shoulders was curled up to a little under my jaw. The top I wore was only long enough to give the illusion of modesty and my skirt barely above my ankles. I felt my heart pounding in my chest as I stood at the door of one of the private rooms, my patron just on the other side waiting for me. Maybe I should have listened to Marclene a little more.

I reach for the door when I hear a gruff voice ring through the other side, “How much longer shall I wait, my lady?”

I flinch at his voice but slowly swallow the thick lump in my throat before turning the knob and entering the dimly lit room. I close the door behind me while facing the man who sat atop the bed. His legs were crossed as an arm was rested on the propped up leg.

To say I was nervous was an understatement. I was downright petrified. I thought I would have steeled my nerves but now that the moment is here, I begin to panic… I would actually hand over my chastity for gil? How are the courtesans so easily able to do this? I applaud them… for in this moment I wished to be brewing tonics and elixirs than here with an unknown man.

“My lady, please come closer. How am I to take pleasure in your company if you are so far away. Come sit.”

I nod shyly and make my way towards the bed. My eyes are glued to my feet and my shoulders are square. This is it. I sit down on the bed, my heart pounding so hard against my rib cage that I fear my chest might explode.

“You can relax my lady. I won’t do you any harm. I’m more interested in cutting a deal with you- That is if you’re interested?”

Hesitating, I take my gaze from my feet to the eyes of my patron. He’s watching me, a gentle look in his eyes and an awareness in his smile. I can feel myself slightly loosen up. This man wasn’t so intimidating and he was at least handsome.

“By the look in your eyes, you seem interested.” The man chuckles.

Still unable to find my voice, I nod.

“Well, I’m in need of a healer of sorts. Or more specifically someone who specializes in tonics and salves. Elixirs as well. I hear you are proficient?”

I nod a bit bewildered at the random question, “I am my lord but… why are you asking me? I thought you were here to seek out a Courtesan?”

Standing from the bed, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigar along with a magic crystal. He lights it and takes a deep inhale before crooking his head to the side to exhale the smoke. Turning back to me, he examines me. “I came seeking a Courtesan who is a practicing apothecary for I am in need of her services.”

Speaking to this man was becoming a little too much, as I was perplexed as to why he needed a courtesan who practiced medicine when he could just pay for a healer.

“My lady, I see the skepticism in your eyes but I need an apothecary that can travel with me. I am a man needed in many places and can’t afford to pay every healer I come in contact with, especially if it’s no more than a mere flesh wound.”

“You confuse me… Are you asking me to join you in your travels?’

Taking another deep inhale of the cigar he nods, “Aye. Accompany me and in return, I’ll take you wherever you want to go.”

My eyes widened with surprise and excitement. This man could take me wherever I wanted to go and all that he required were my medicinal skills? This was almost too good to be true.

“My lord, your offer is ever so generous but… what do you get out of it?”

The man snickers, the corner of his mouth raising in a half smirk, “I gain a highly talented ally.”

“And that’s all you need?”

“Yes. As beautiful as you are my lady, you are a bit too young and inexperienced for my tastes.”

In that moment I felt my worries melt away and my shoulders finally relaxed. I can join this man and he could take me to my home. Either I was dreaming or The Founders had to be smiling in my favor because for once, I received the greatest chance I thought I’d never have. Standing to my feet, I rush to the man and grab his hand. “You have a deal! I’ll go wherever you need me to go! You have my word, my lord!”

“Glad to know you’re on board. I had thought it might take more to win you over.” He jokes as he pulls his hand out of mine, “Anyways, get dressed and meet me outside. I have urgent matters to attend to and have taken long enough here.”

“Oh yes right!” I spring into action rushing to the door before a sudden realization hits me, “Wait! Shit… I need to tell Isabelle! I can’t just leave and not-”

The man waves his hand as to shush me, “No need. Isabelle said that if you agreed we could leave at once. Now hurry. I haven’t got all day.”

I feel the bounding excitement building in my chest as I swing open the door. But again before I make haste to my room I turn to the man, “My lord, what is your name?”

That man smiles as he walks toward me and ruffles my hair, “Cidolfus but you can call me Cid. You?”

I nod my head with a grateful smile on my lips, “Cid… You can call me Enza.”

Heaving an exasperated sigh he shoos, “Hurry girl! Time’s wasting with all these formalities.”

I laugh as I run off to my room. Finally the tides were ever in my favor.

To Kiss is to Hunger

pairing: Joshua Rosfield x Fem!Reader rating: Mature word count: 5.0K summary: You are terrified to kiss Joshua. Joshua has an idea to remedy that.

warnings: practice kissing, grinding, touching, intimacy, mutual pining, insecurities and self-doubt, just straight up romance

Author’s Notes: Ngl I know I said it would be a little frisky, but just so happens I made it just a little bit friskier because Joshua is just a touch starved man. Just a heads up, please read my pinned post before following me! Minors and ageless blogs will be blocked as this blog’s content is NSFW.

[AO3 link]

You couldn’t fathom why you are in the Shelves this late into the night. ‘It’s silly.” You think, walking around, trying to find anything to help you with your little dilemma. You tried to put your brain to rest, to calm its ravenous thoughts of anxiety, but the efforts were futile. And it is all because a teasing strawberry blond tried to kiss you.

You and the young Lord got quite close after his arrival to the Hideaway. You help out as a barmaid for Molly in the Ale House, and the first night of Joshua being out of the infirmary after the fall of Drake’s Tail had been all the talk. You would overhear conversations about how charming he was, how he was very knowledgeable about the lands of Valisthea, and how he is the brother of the leader of the Hideaway. He piqued your curiosity, as most newcomers do, but you didn’t think anything to come of it.

There was one night, however, where service wasn’t off its rig, and you had decided to take that time to practice your reading. Reading and writing are forbidden practices for Branded, and you were only able to learn reading due to old, scribbled writings thrown into the trash bins. You would rummage through for every written scrap in the dead of night and return it before your enslavers came to. To you, it was a piece to the puzzle of your freedom. But only a piece. 

You were reading an old children’s fairytale: a prince in search of the long-lost princess who searched day and night to find her. You were immersed, so much so you hadn’t noticed the presence in front of you, seemingly still but present all the same. 

“Ah, I read that story many times as a child. A true classic.”

Your head had snapped so far back you thought you would’ve fallen backwards. Your eyes jumped until they landed on the man before you, and you remember how wonderstruck you felt. He was the most beautiful man you had ever seen, and the way he was looking at you had your stomach producing butterflies. You felt a sense of embarrassment, however, as the book you were reading was adapted for children. You knew those born with a silver spoon were highly educated, so to have someone as handsome and surely intelligent as he watching you read made you nervous to be a laughing stock. 

“Yeah, but it’s more of a watered down version of it. I’m sure I’ll get to read the original someday.” You had awkwardly explained, waiting for him to make a joke of your lack of ability to read at a level that matched your maturity. That joke, however, never came. He stayed and asked you questions, such as who your favorite character was, what your favorite part of the story was, and so on. That conversation led beyond the book, and it is a fond memory of the golden boy.

It wasn’t long after that he offered to tutor you and made an extraordinary effort to give you books about topics you liked. Hell, he would even bring books back from long expeditions that him, Clive, and Jill would go on. “I found this story about sea fairies that I thought you would like.” “I saw a merchant selling a copy of this book I think you’ll enjoy.” “This book made me think of you.”

After many nights and days passing, it had become apparent that your heart had let him in, and you were relieved to know that his heart blazed for you also. However, unlike you, he is very evident about how he shows his feelings for you. He initiated the first hand holding, the first embrace, every tender moment you both have shared has been started by him. It makes you nervous, he makes you nervous, but in a conflicting way because you want everything he has to offer, yet your life of being treated less than for so long has put in the fear of not being enough. You fear you will misstep, embarrass yourself, he will realize he can have someone better, and let you down gently. He is a gentleman, after all.

All of the insecurities and doubts you hold have led you to the shelves due to this past evening's events.

-

A gathering of many members of the Hideaway was taking place, enjoying each other’s company, exchanging stories from the road, and eating and drinking so good that spirits were at an all time high. About halfway through the evening, Joshua and Clive had returned from their mission that had kept them away for well over a week, and joined everyone in the festivities. You could feel Joshua’s eyes on you constantly as you worked, soft gazes in your direction as you brought over more ale. You hadn’t seen each other since he had left, and you could see from the look in his eyes that he wanted you close, longing for your time. 

And you weren’t the only one to sense it.

“Go on.” You heard Molly speak as you polished the cups.

“Hmmm?” You turned to see her smirking at you, nudging her head in the direction of the young Rosfield. 

“You are free of your duties. You spend some time with everyone, especially you know who.” 

You shook your head, your cheeks flushed. “I appreciate it, but Molly there is a lot to clean up. I can’t ask you to do this all by yourself.”

“Nonsense.” She scoffed, walking to you, taking the scrub and cup out of your hands, only to set them aside to grab your own. “We all deserve a little down time. Please, I insist.”

You hesitated, and her eyes softened. “In these troubling times, every moment counts; for anything can happen at any time. We must be selfish with our time.” 

That alone had set you into motion. You had walked over to sit beside him, hip to hip, his arm draped around your side with his head leaning slightly against your own as Clive shared his and his brother’s adventures. 

You could tell Joshua was more touchy than normal, not that you minded. You would feel him squeeze you from time to time. If you shifted slightly, he would adjust so you were still close to him. You would feel him turn his head to bury his face into your hair, gentle caresses of his lips against your scalp. No words were spoken between the two of you, just enjoying the night together with everyone. But even nights like these had to end. 

You called it a night, telling everyone that you were going to head to the bed chambers, but not before Joshua insisted on walking you there. The two of you had bid goodnight to the others, and with your hand in Joshua’s grasp, the two of you walked to the bed chambers, small talk between the two of you as you both headed there slowly.  

“I can’t believe you let Clive do that.” You giggled, Joshua’s story about his older brother shoving a carrot into his mouth to make him sick. 

“He had reason, for we were in an unfortunate situation. We needed a reason to slip away.” Joshua grimaced, vaguely remembering the taste of the raw carrot. “Besides, I have always had a soft spot for my brother. I’d do anything for him.”

“I know having him back in your life has been a gift.” You smiled, waving his arm back and forth as you both approached the bed chambers. He pulled your arm back gently, causing you to turn into his arms. The way he was looking at you left you speechless; a thousand words being spoken through one look. 

“Why yes, it has truly been a gift by the Founder to be reunited with my brother.” He brings your hand up to his chest, right above his heart; the thumping gingerly warming up your palm. “It has also been a gift to have the honor of being allowed your time, my lady.”

You shook your head, but before you could’ve said anything, Joshua had spoken once more. “On the topic of gifts, I have something for you.” 

He slipped his free hand into the large pouch of his belt and pulled out what you can see is a book. He placed the book in both of your hands, grazing them before allowing you to inspect it. You recognized the artistry of the book: hardbound leather, intricate gold lining, and a sturdy weight in your hand. You looked at the title and you found yourself releasing a shaky breath. 

“I thought you said there were no more copies.” You whispered, in disbelief as to what you were seeing. Enchanting thy Fair Maiden. It was a copy of a book Joshua has praised over. He would recite lines to you from what he memorized as a child, and you would ask him to retell them to you over and over again, never tiring from hearing his smooth voice telling you a tale.

“It took some bartering, but it was worth it if it means I could grant you a copy.” 

Snapping from your mind, you looked to him, shaking your head in disbelief. “Joshua, I can’t accept this. This is one of your favorite stories. You should keep it.” 

You tried pushing the book back into Joshua’s, but not before him grasping both of your hands and gently pushing it back into your vicinity. “My lady.” He begged. “I can reassure you that nothing would please me more than you accepting this gift.”

You stayed silent for a moment, a brief pause in the timeline aside from you and him, before smiling shyly, looking away from him in a flush. “I will cherish this for all days, Joshua. Maybe you can read it to me properly sometime.”

“Anything for you, dearest.” 

Your gaze stayed down, not knowing how to bid farewell for the night, before you felt Joshua’s hand lightly touch your cheek, lifting your face for him to look upon. You sensed a certain hesitancy, his eyes seeking for something on your face before landing back on your own. 

“May I try something?” 

Everything started to go slow and fast at the same time, your mind racing and hyper focusing on every detail. You focused on how much closer Joshua had gotten to you, how his body heat had your body melting tenfold, how his face leaned down to yours, his hand stroking your cheek. You realized what he was asking to do: he was asking to kiss you.

Sudden flashes of self-doubt came crashing down onto you, Joshua’s hand on your branded cheek making you feel self-conscious. What is he doing? How can he want to kiss me? Oh, Greagor be with me, I have never kissed anyone. I am going to make a fool of myself!

Out of reflex and fear, you stepped back and away from Joshua’s reach. He looked startled, not expecting your reaction, and all you could do was stare at him as you calmed your heart down. You felt embarrassment shudder down your spine, but you knew that it would have been worse if you had attempted to kiss him. 

You tried to shrug it off, chuckling awkwardly as if that would erase the last few seconds of shame you felt. “It is late. I’m afraid I must turn in. Goodnight, Joshua.” 

You flung the chamber door open and closed it just as fast without a glance in Joshua’s direction, your back hitting the wood as you worked your anxieties down.

Now you’ve really done it stupid stupid STUPID!

-

So here you are, looking for a kissing manual that doesn’t exist.

“I can’t believe it has come to this.” You moan, shaking your head at how pathetic you currently feel. You want to kiss him; of course you want to kiss him! But the thought of kissing him and making a complete fool out of yourself has strung itself high in your head. You will do anything to ease your anxieties, and if finding literature that will help you is the way, then so be it. 

You keep searching the shelves, and finally you see something that catches your attention. You see a book with a deep red spine, and immediately you become curious. Red means romance which maybe means kissing, right? you think and go to reach for it, your tippy toes giving you an extra inch that helps you grab the old spine of the book. Once the book is grasped, you give it a once over and what you see is nothing at all. The book has no title, no author, no nothing. Just hardbound leather that looks as if it had been dyed with blood. 

You move to sit at a table, the kissing debacle hiding in the back of your skull as a new curiosity peeks. You stare at the book intently, like it was going to open up for you to tell you all of its secrets. A book with no visible identity, no mark.

The curiosity killed the cat as you finally flipped it open, the crackle of the pages singing, showing its age. The first few pages are barren with no offering until you reach the first official page. You read, smiling because you can read everything on the page in comprehension, but also because it’s a love poem. You never have had the chance to read poetry thus far, so this was a treat for you. Just the thing I need to ease my mind.

You continue reading the poems, most being about love, companionship, and things in the realm of romance. As you read them, you picture Joshua and yourself, like the two of you were living in the reality of this book full of lovely prose. In a way, it makes you recognize that maybe what Joshua sees in you is what you are imagining right now: a lover, a partner for life. You feel a sense of confidence swell in you, so you read on, addicted to the words written out.

Until you get to the next page.

What you read next halts your breathing, slowing it down to stop fire from growing in your chest. This poem is about the same things previously stated, love, romance, companionship, but in a much more intimate form. The words strung together formed the most erotic sentences, words of longing for the senses. They make you blush hotly; they make you antsy in your chair while locked in, but most especially they make your mind run wild with fantasies of you and him. 

Oh, you and him.

You mind wanders as you read, zoning out into a reality where you exude the confidence to give into Joshua’s desires and more. The words dig into your skin, warming you up that your thin nightgown felt like plenty of layers on this cool night. You are so immersed that you don’t hear the large doors open, and the calling of your name feels like a figment of your imagination. It’s not until you feel the warmth on your shoulders that you are brought back, feeling like a bucket of cold water has been dropped over your head from the cold sweat.

You slam the book shut, turning so quickly that the room starts to spin before the warmth on your shoulders grows firm, steadying you in your seat. You look to see Joshua staring at you, worry showing on his face seemingly from your reaction. “I deeply apologize, my lady. I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

You breathe a chuckle, seeing him here at a time like this would be your luck. You cross your arms, becoming extremely aware of your lack of clothing under his gaze. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask the same of you.” He retorts and pulls out a chair to sit facing you. “Truthfully, I couldn’t sleep much. I came here to see if doing more research would tire me, but it seems fate has chosen a more direct route to my restlessness.”

You see why he can’t sleep, and sigh because this is from your doing. “Joshua, you have nothing to fret over. You did nothing wrong.”

“But I’m afraid you are wrong, my lady. I shouldn’t have been so forward, and to know I put you in an uncomfortable position upsets me greatly. I would never dream of making you uneasy, and for my mishaps I must apologize to you. I cannot bear the thought of you keeping your distance because of my foolishness.” 

You watch him as he apologizes for his directness, which internally makes you laugh because that isn’t the issue. You love his directness, just as he is being direct with you right now. It’s you. It’s your cowardice for wanting something more and not having the courage to pursue because of the what ifs, the buts, the howevers. It’s your fear of rejection because of your lived experiences. It’s you, not him. 

“Joshua.” You state, moving to grab his hands within your own. “You did nothing wrong.”

“My lady, please I-” 

“Shhh,” you hush. “Let me speak.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, and I apologize for making you feel you need to.” You exhale, preparing to open yourself up for display. “It’s all me. I’m inexperienced, and I’ve been viewed as nothing for so long that I’m fearful that one misstep will set you away; that you can have someone who knows what they are doing and have the confidence to show for it.”

“Is that really what this is about?” Joshua asks.

You nod, looking down at the two of your intertwined hands. You see Joshua’s hands pull away from yours and your breath shakes. This is it. He is going to leave. That’s until you feel the heat that only the Phoenix could exude on your cheeks, your head being brought up to see him smiling. “My dearest,” Joshua whispers, as if talking any louder would damn him. “You are my everything, for you have captured me: mind, body, and soul. Also, your inexperience mirrors mine, I can assure you.”

Your eyes widen. “There is no way that can be true. You are a Lord.”

He’s laughing now, shaking his head as his hands go back to you, grasping them with care. “I was only a child then. Besides, the Undying were very protective of me under their care. There was no time nor place for such things. Even then, the only person that was always allowed in my vicinity was Jote, and we have never viewed each other romantically.”

“So, there really has been no one?” You whisper, your mind stuck between disbelief and credence.

“No. Not until now.” He squeezes your hands. “My heart belongs to you, and you alone. There is no one else I’d rather give myself to.”

You shiver, the idea of experiencing forms of intimacy together for the first time spreads a raging fire in your stomach. “You sure have a way with words, Joshua Rosfield.”

“You can thank all of the romance novels I read in my youth.” He chuckles. “Speaking of books, what were you reading?”

“What?” You ask, forgetting about the erotica sitting inches away from you. 

“The book you were reading. I don’t believe I have read that one yet. May I take a look?” 

You are panicking, knowing the contents of the book and who is asking to take a peek. You go to grab it, reacting as fast as you could, but alas you reacted too late. Joshua now has the book, opening the page you had left off on, and starts to read. You see his eyes go wide, his pupils dilating, his fingers fidgeting against the page he is holding. You freak out, going to reach for the book before he reads further. “Okay Joshua, that’s enough.” A smile creeps up slowly on his face, humming as he moves to stand up before your fingertips touch the book, backing away slowly as he continues. You stand up, walking up to him to get that god forsaken book away from him. 

“Oh Joshua, please give me back the book!” You panic. 

“By the Founder, what possessed you to read this smut?” Joshua smirks, seamlessly avoiding your grabby hands as he reads the pages. “Especially in the middle of the night?”

He wasn’t meant to see this! He wasn’t meant to see you reading the abhorrent words you were consuming. He wasn’t meant to see you like this in your flimsy gown. Damn me! Why did I not cover up more?!

“To taste the lips is to be fulfilled, for the instinct of man is to claim, conquer, and revel in the midst of her flesh. To kiss is to hunger, to feast among the softest of petals that call to him, beckoning for his return to get both of their fills.”

You are internally screaming now. You can’t believe he is tormenting you like this. You are still reaching for the book, desperate for this nightmare to end, before you hear an “oomph” as Joshua’s back collides into one of the shelves. You snatch the book from him, running back to put it back where it came from. “Okay, enough please!”

“Forgive me.” Joshua says, although it is said with a devilish grin. “I just didn’t know you had such… exquisite taste.”

“I didn’t even know what was in the book when I pulled it.” You say defensively, hands waving manically in front of you like they would make you more convincing. “I was just trying to find something that would help give me the courage.”

As if that isn’t as embarrassing, or even more so.

“What if we do something that helps us both gain courage? A practice session if you will.” Joshua says from the other side of the room, keeping his distance to see what tone you will take.

“What do you have in mind?” You draw out nervously, twiddling your thumbs in anticipation.

Joshua walks back over to where you both had sat, moving the chair so it was facing you before sitting down. He rubs his thighs a little as if he needed to warm them up, before patting his lap. “Come take a seat.”

Instinct has you taking a step forward before a hitch finds itself in your feet, stopping them all together. 

“Do you trust me?” He asks sincerely.

“Of course, I do.” You quickly blurt out, as if answering a second later would draw doubt. 

He smiles, his hand reaching out to invite you over. “Then please, my dearest, come to me.”

You take a deep breath and walk over till you stand before him. You grasp his hand, tingles running up your arm as he pulls you to him and guides you onto his lap. Your hands move to steady yourself on his shoulders, while he places his hands on your lower back to support you. Your legs dangle on either side of the chair, your gown riding up your thighs which you are all too aware of. However, you note that Joshua is only looking at you, gauging to see where your head is. “Is this okay, my lady?”

“Mhmm.” You hum, trying to calm your rapid heart. This is so intimate, too intimate, but you want it. You want him. You want to create every kind of intimacy with him, and this is a start. You knew that it is time to take that leap, especially since he will take that leap with you. 

“Joshua,” you murmur, eyes still on his. “Will you kiss me?”

“As you wish, my love.” 

You close your eyes, leaning in slightly to show that you aren’t backing out. You feel one of Joshua’s hands move to your left cheek, your branded cheek, tracing it with his thumb gently. Soon you feel him move forward, his forehead sitting against yours, his breath hitting your lips in puffs. The anticipation was killing you, your hands squeezing his shoulders to urge him on, and before you know it his lips are against your own. The kiss is light, a sweet peck before pulling away slightly, only to go back to give one more. You both are testing the waters, giving into each other slowly until the two of you start to grow peckish.

The kiss is gradual, pecks graduating to long lip locks and more movement. Your hands have found homage in Joshua’s hair, gripping not too hard but enough to show him how much you are enjoying him. His hands found their way to the crease of your hips, gripping the flesh to keep you in place. You can feel yourself growing restless, needing more of him within your senses. 

It’s like he can read your mind as his hands bring your body closer. A gasp leaves your lips as his groin settles against your heat, leaving your head spinning. His kisses become feverish, his hands roaming up and down your thighs, your nightgown receding higher in the process. You sense satiability is nowhere in sight, the movements of his body proving to you that the absence of intimate touch has turned him into a depraved man. Because even though Joshua Rosfield is a gentleman with a heart of selflessness, he is still a man with selfish desires and needs.

Your hands go back to grip at his shoulders, trying to calm yourself from his ministrations. A wetness hits your lips, and your mouth opens willingly, needing to taste him further. Your tongues melt together, creating a unique taste between the two of you that’s so addicting you don’t know how either of you will stop. You lean more into him, your hands going back to his hair to control his movements, causing him to groan in the most sinful way. You pull away, giggling knowing you got him to make such pretty sounds. The confidence from it goes straight to your head, going right back in for his lips to have him make more delicious sounds. 

A deep feral groan is released from Joshua’s throat, causing him to pull away in heavy breaths. He looks at you with hazy eyes, smiling deliriously. “You will be the death of me, my love.”

Your hands are now trailing from his hair to his chest, your hands running up and down the fabric of his tunic, feeling the toned body beneath it all. Your head leans back against his forehead, both of your breaths heavy on each other’s lips. “Then shall death keep us together, never parted.”

Joshua leans up back to your lips, kissing you hungrily, your declaration causing him to hunger for more. You still had the high ground, you being on top giving you more opportunity to take the lead. You knew this could be too soon, a little risky, but your sureness that Joshua feels the same hunger as you do is enough to convince you. You start to grind down slowly on top of him, your undergarments and his matching tunic pants the only barriers. 

“Fuck,” Joshua draws out breathless, his arms coming up to wrap around you to ground himself. 

“Does that feel good, my Lord?” You smile, feeling over the moon that you are making him act this way. 

“You have no idea.” Joshua gasps. “You have turned me into a new man.”

You giggle as you continue your movements. “Is that so?”

“By the Founder, yes!” He groans loudly at a particular movement of your hips. “How about I show you.”

Suddenly you are being lifted up, your butt settled onto a hard surface, legs spread apart by Joshua’s hips, and warm lips ravishing your own. Your nightgown is definitely way past your legs now, bunched up at your hips with Joshua’s hands right under the fabric. This new side of Joshua has you addicted, the push and pull the both of you are playing at exciting you more. You release his lips and lean up to his neck, nipping at the skin at the juncture of his neck and jaw. His breath hitches, leaning into you as you nip and kiss his neck. It’s as if he is hypnotized by your love bites, casting a spell on him. Your legs wrap around his waist, pulling him closer to you, but in an instant everything stops.

You open your eyes to see Joshua breathing hard, his hands gripping the table. Your hands go to his face, worry etching into your brain. “Darling, did I do something wrong?”

Joshua laughs, his eyes opening to look right back at you. “Absolutely not.” His hands go to yours on his face, holding onto each one as he brings them down. “I just don’t want to accomplish everything in one night, especially here in the Shelves.”

He pulls you up to your feet, your hands still in his as he looks at you with the brightest smile on his face. “I want to have time to savor you when the time is right.”

Even after all of that, he is still ever the gentleman. 

“I agree. I’m sorry if I went too far.” You chuckle, a tinge of embarrassment in your tone. 

Joshua embraces you, his head tucked into your neck. “You have nothing to apologize for. I hope you don’t think I had ulterior motives.”

“Never,” you say quickly, squeezing him to you.

“We should head back to our respective beds before people notice we’ve disappeared.” Joshua hums.

You hum in agreement and pull back, so you are now under Joshua’s arm. Both of you head out the doors of the Shelves into the cool night air. You shiver, and Joshua brings you in closer to shield you from the cold. He walks you back to the bed chambers, and before he departs, he places a light kiss on your lips, causing your eyes to flutter close at the bliss you feel in the moment. 

“Goodnight, my dearest. I shall see you in the morning.” Joshua says after he pulls away.

“Goodnight, Joshua. But before you go, may I request something?” 

“Anything for you, my dearest.” 

“Can we practice some more later? You are my tutor after all.” And my lover, my partner for life.

Joshua beams at you. “I would love nothing more.”

Current WIP For @cosmic-metanoia's prompt of "I wonder how Joshua, Gav, & Mid were getting along on the Enterprise when separated from Clive and Jill"

Gav watched the massive bird swoop in front of them, placing himself firmly between the Enterprise and Odin. Not to say that Clive’s little brother wasn't brave, he was just damned near more daft than Clive himself. Constantly throwing himself into the same danger as his brother, but with a quarter of the muscle mass and a bad lung. But this? This was insanity. Odin had just dismantled his brother, the Eikon slayer, into a shred of ribbons the week before. And this skinny son of a bitch was the one who pulled him back together. Mending every limb, as if trying to un-carve a butchered bird. And by some miracle, up to his eyeballs in blood, the bastard had pulled it off. And now he was standing before Odin, ready for his turn. Who the hell did he think was going to patch him up? Is he out of his fucking mind?! Gav wondered, tossing a bucket of water onto the last fire and then scrambling to the bow to watch. No, of course he wasn't. He knew what he was risking. He knew he didn't stand a chance, just as Gav did, but he remembered the moment they'd noticed Odin appear. Joshua had moved instinctually in front of him and waved him away. He wasn't fighting Odin to win, he was fighting to keep him away from everyone else. Imagine that! The golden haired son of a duke that the breeze could knock over, and Gav cowered behind him like a little pup at the sight of Tharmr. That fucker better not die on our account!

update on joshua x reader fics: current wip is at 3.6k words and it's about halfway done...

progress with it has been erratic but i MIGHT be able to get it out in a week!!

ao3 (xioying) - works on here are not cross-posted

about page | masterlist

If the masterlist doesn't work well for you, you can just search for the joshua rosfield x reader tag under my blog (my posts are all under cuts so it's navigable).

joshua who, in the japanese audio, normally uses "boku" but used "watashi" when speaking gently to the medicine girl... one of the twins in the hideaway calling him gentle in the japanese ver... he has to be good with kids for sure

anecdotal inspiration

Joshua x writer!Reader (anxiety edition)

3444 words, fluff

Summary: Joshua finds out who’s been writing books for the children in the Hideaway. It’s you, unfortunately.

Author’s note: Joshua who loves to read and reader who loves to write has been in front of me the whole time. I have been but a blind fool

-------------

“Pardon me, but are you the one who wrote those?”

It had all started about a year ago. You had always been a daydreamer, maybe a little airy-headed, and you often found yourself penning down idyllic fantasies down into tattered notebooks since young. Growing up, you’d filled thousands of torn pages with your whimsical stories, leaving them half-complete before you began a new one, and it was a hobby that had followed you into adulthood. Now that you lived in the Hideaway, you surprisingly found yourself having more time for it. Embarrassing to admit, but you weren’t the most capable on the field, so you often had quick and short assignments.

And then one day you’d accidentally left one of your notebooks open at the library while searching for other books, and Harpocrates had chanced upon it. You had vehemently denied any relation to the notebook, and Harpocrates who had seen you walk in with it and place it on the table of course hadn’t believed you at all, but instead of mocking you or your scrawls, he had offered a suggestion with a wise smile. The children at the Hideaway, although only a few of them, didn’t have much to read. Children’s storybooks weren’t a priority to obtain, so they usually just had the same few to recycle over and over. Why not write new ones for them? Your handwriting was neater than sufficient, he had said, and your writing was pleasant.

Not knowing how to turn down his proposition, and also not being totally against it, you had agreed. Harpocrates then dedicated a row at the bottom of the shelf in one of the corners for you. It felt a little improper to you—there was no title on the cover since it was a notebook, only on the first page in your handwriting, and the books were usually worn out a little, but every time you slotted a new one onto the shelf, a few days later the children would come bounding to you with praises and enthuses of joy. Harpocrates must’ve told them it was you. You didn’t really mind.

Except, now, Joshua Rosfield had caught you sliding in your newest finished piece onto the bottom shelf.

“Uh—!” You managed a strangled noise.

You had never spoken to him before. Clive had brought him in a few weeks ago and introduced him in the Ale Hall one day, and you had bowed your head in greeting, and that was pretty much the only interaction you had with him. He mostly kept to himself, too. To be honest, he looked much too ethereal and you were afraid that if you stood too long around him you’d be incinerated to ashes just by his aura, so you didn’t try to approach him either.

Needless to say, you really wanted to run away. You stared up at him, wide-eyed.

He cocked his head inquisitively, and then you noticed in one of his hands was clutched a notebook that you’d finished writing in and put on the shelf for the children a few months ago. You hoped Leviathan would awake from its dormancy and swallow you whole right that instant.

“I’m sorry. I was just wondering if you are the author of those books,” he repeated, as if you didn’t hear him the first time.

Shoving your new book into the shelf, you leapt to your feet without meeting his eyes.

“Sorry—I have to go somewhere!”

“Ah, wait—” he began, but you didn’t let him finish.

Bowing your head and staring at the floor, you bolted right past him and out of the library.

-------------

You escaped back into the dormitories, the largest common area in the Hideaway and where you figured it’d be harder for someone to locate you. Returning to your room was an option, but not one that you entertained; you’d been cooped up in there for hours in the early half of the day, revising your story before publishing it in the little corner in the library, so you were reluctant to go back again.

In hindsight, maybe you shouldn’t have run away and heard Joshua out. He had seemed curious about them, even if he completely wasn’t their target audience. It could’ve been nice hearing an adult’s opinion on your storybook, too… Or, alternatively, maybe he’d been very unimpressed by your books and was about to tell you off for wasting space in the library and to make way for some real books. Oh, god. You felt like you were going to vomit. You stopped walking through the corridor and paused to lean your head against the wall, focusing on your breaths.

“Miss!”

It was a young, chipper voice. Blinking, you removed yourself from your pathetic posture, standing up straight, and looked down. The children, your loyal recipients of your books, were eagerly jogging towards you.

“Miss!” They tugged at your long skirt. “Is there a new book yet?”

“Are you writing a new book?”

“I want to read a new story, Miss!”

“Hey, now…” You reached down to carefully pat one of the boys on his head. Children were a little easier to manage, you found. Or maybe it was because they adored you. “I just put a new one on the shelf, actually.”

They were positively beaming. “You did?”

“What’s it about this time? Is it romance?”

The girls in particular asked you that question fairly often, but you found yourself quite hopeless at it. Perhaps it was because you’d never had anything going on in your life romantically before, but the words just wouldn’t come out. How were you to describe what it felt like being in love, anyway?

Grimacing, you shook your head. “It’s an adventure story.”

“Oh, another one!”

“I wanted to read a love story, too…” One of the boys was pouting.

You laughed, gingerly tugging them off your skirt. “Maybe sometime.”

With hopeful glints in their eyes, they turned and began making their rambunctious way to the library, no doubt about to fight over the single unread copy on the shelf. You watched them leave with a faint smile, waving to their retreating backs, before frowning and sighing.

Really, how were you supposed to describe love?

-------------

Maybe some of the books in the library had an answer for you.

So, the next day, you returned with a notebook, this one used to pen down ideas rather than hold finished tales, set on finding some sort of inspiration from some book.

Unfortunately, Joshua was standing at one of the shelves.

Of course, it wasn’t uncommon for him to be around. You usually waltzed past him, and, being too lost in the sprawling ink of the book, he usually didn’t notice you, or you assumed so. The last encounter had certainly… well, shaken things up, to put it in a crudely nice manner.

Stopping a few paces behind him, you shifted awkwardly, before clearing your throat. “Um, Lord Rosfield.”

Joshua looked up, turning his head gracefully to look at you. You were absolutely jealous. When someone interrupted you when you were deep in thought, you would always jump and freeze up like a frightened chocobo in a completely unflattering way.

“Yes?” Without missing a beat, he added, “Simply ‘Joshua’ would suffice.”

“Right, well, Joshua.” It sounded foreign on your tongue. “You see, about yesterday…”

You diverted your gaze from him to the floor, only catching the view of him in your peripheral vision. Ugh. This was so horrible.

Joshua blinked, turning to face you fully.

You moved your tongue about in your mouth almost peevishly, like you had something stuck between your teeth.

“When we met at the library yesterday…”

“Oh, I’m sorry about that,” he unexpectedly said. You stopped and looked back at him. He wore an apologetic smile. “I must’ve disturbed you—”

“No!” You shrank back immediately. You hadn’t meant for that outburst.

Joshua looked a little taken aback. “Ah, no…?”

“No,” you repeated, almost stupidly. Hugging your notebook to your chest, you bowed your head. “I—I must’ve come off as rude yesterday. I—it wasn’t my intention, I was just… well, I’m sorry.”

The words tumbled out of you in a rush before you could change your mind. Anyhow, that should get your message across. You raised your head hesitantly.

Joshua waved a hand dismissively. “No worries. You had something to tend to, if I remember correctly.”

No, there had been nothing to tend to at all. “...That’s right.”

“I hope you finished it with ease.” The smile he flashed at you was so brilliant you thought you might melt into a puddle of goo. “I was curious about the books in that corner. You’re the one who’s been writing them, I take it?”

In that instant, your brain fired a million thoughts simultaneously. What if you lied to him and said you were helping someone else? Then he’d ask you who you were helping. What if you said you had just finished reading it and were putting it back? No, reading a children’s storybook at your age was much too embarrassing.

Eventually, you settled on a sullen, “...Right, it’s me.”

On second thought, maybe writing a children’s storybook was worse than reading one.

But Joshua’s eyes only sparkled the same way the children’s eyes had the previous day. He took a step towards you. You uneasily took one step back, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Harpocrates told me someone had been writing for the children, you see,” he said, closing the book he’d been reading shut. You had never taken Harpocrates as a traitorous old man, but life was full of surprises. “I thought it was a wonderful idea, so I had a look at some of them. I hope you don’t mind.”

You minded very, very much. “No, it’s alright.”

“They’re very well-written,” Joshua continued, painfully enthusiastically. “The plotlines are simple, but novel. Most of the premises appear quite similar at first, but the ideas are actually all unique and fresh when you properly read into it, aren’t they? And the characters—they’re all so distinct and likeable in their own way once you really get to know them. Even when some of them come off as standoffish at first, they all have their own deeply thought out motives.”

You were holding on for dear life. “Uh… um…”

“And you took great care writing these for children, didn’t you? It’s all handwritten, but they’re all very neat. I spotted not a single mistake while looking through them. And the language used, the words you chose, your style of writing—they’re catered to the children, but even as an adult, it’s hardly painful to read. It was a delightful experience, if I had to describe it.”

“Well… thanks,” you managed feebly. Leviathan, any moment now…

“I’ll be looking forward to your next volume, too.”

“Right, thank you…”

But you had to admit: all your effort, every second of care that you had spent at your desk, hand cramping, felt like it hadn’t gone unnoticed by him. And it felt a little nice.

Joshua tilted his head at you like he hadn’t been off on a tangent praising you seconds before. “So, what brings you to the library? I don’t imagine you already have another one completed.”

You started. Right, your original purpose. “No, I don’t. I came to…”

It’d be a terribly awkward time to yank out a romance novel off the shelf and start meticulously studying it.

“...I came to research something for my writing.” Not a lie.

Joshua’s smile lit up even more, if that were even possible. “Oh? What about?”

You cleared your throat, even though it was empty. “Just… stuff.”

“Would you like me to help you find anything?” He leaned towards you.

“No… thank you.”

“Alright.” He leaned back, and you finally took that as an opportune moment to leave. As soon as you turned, his hand shot out to grab your arm. You almost flinched. “Pardon my rudeness. I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Joshua, Clive’s brother.”

Yes, you knew. You introduced yourself in a mutter.

Joshua let go of your arm. “Pleased to meet your acquaintance.”

You looked away sheepishly and mumbled something vaguely similar back.

-------------

Weeks had passed since then. Now that that embarrassing introduction was out of the way, you found it much easier to slip into the library. Harpocrates always welcomed you, and even if Joshua was there, he didn’t bother you much. At most, upon first seeing you, he would quiz you on what was upcoming in your latest story. You entertained him as best as you could, and surprisingly, you found his questions becoming easier and easier to answer, but not because he was the one who changed. You never really saw him around the romance section, so you could always read in peace.

Or that was how it was supposed to be.

One sunny day, you had arrived at the library with your notebook in tow, as usual, and Joshua began asking you questions again, both of you sat down at a table, in a way that reminded you of the children who adored your books.

And then, out of nowhere, very casually: “Are you trying to write a love story?”

You choked on air.

Joshua frowned. “I’m sorry. Did I have the wrong impression?”

You stared at him, aghast.

“It’s just that you’ve been frequenting the section where most of the romance novels are kept, so I thought…”

He’d been watching you?

Admittedly, he’d been a good friend to you. He was always considerate and never pushed to overstep any of your boundaries. He was just… nice to be around. Like being near a campfire in the freezing winter. You could forgive it.

You folded your arms and looked away. “It’s—something like that. I guess.”

With that, he wore his excited smile again. “Really?”

Restraining a groan, you nodded. You did not look at him. “The children have been pestering me about one for a while, so…”

“I see. They’re at that age, I suppose.” Really? To you, they still felt all too young. “I might be able to help you in that department. I’ve read a number of them myself.”

“You have?”

You looked at him dubiously. He looked much too eager to help, leaning over in his seat.

“Yes, I have.” He said it like it was the most natural thing in the world. If it were you, you would’ve died of embarrassment.

He certainly had never struck you as that type. “I’ve never seen you reading one, though…”

Joshua shook his head. “Not when you’re around. You would prefer to remain undisturbed when reading those, wouldn’t you?”

You had never said that out loud, but he was spot on. Biting on your bottom lip, you looked down at the table. “Yeah, I guess so…”

“How about it? Would you like my input?”

Something about receiving a lecture about love from Joshua made you feel queasy. “It’s… It’s okay. Thanks for the offer.”

“Alright.”

The fact that he was into romance novels surprised you. He usually had his head buried in some history book, although to be fair, he had just mentioned purposefully being aware of you when you had come to do your… studying…

This felt more shameful by the second. You slumped in your seat.

Joshua reached over to grab one of your hands on the table worriedly. “Are you feeling alright?”

You straightened your posture again. “I’m fine,” you blurted out, drumming your free fingers on the tabletop. The palm of the hand under Joshua’s was starting to feel sweaty. “Could I ask you something?”

He canted his head. “Of course.”

“It might be offensive.”

He pulled his mouth to the side doubtfully. “Go ahead.”

You opened your mouth, wrangled down the hesitation down your throat, and tried to look him in the eyes, but settled on the space between his brows.

“Why are you so interested in reading my storybooks? They’re for children…” Then you immediately added, “Not—Not that there’s anything wrong, with that, of course, it’s just… a surprise? No other adults read them… except Harpocrates, but that’s him. I guess. Don’t get me wrong—I’m really flattered that you enjoy them, but I was just curious.”

Joshua blinked at you owlishly. “That must be the longest I have heard you spoken in one breath.”

“That’s not… Could you answer the question?”

Joshua retrieved his hand to rest his cheek on it, elbow propped up on the table, looking at the ceiling thoughtfully. A finger on your hand that had been occupied until recently twitched. You felt like you could be honest with him. But it wasn’t too much of an invasion of privacy, was it? Maybe you should retract your question if he didn’t feel comfortable. You would hate for him to be put on the spot.

He finally looked down back at you. “Has Clive told you anything of our mother?”

Was he dodging the question? That would’ve been fine, but you didn’t know why he was bringing in another heavy topic. Word on the grapevine spread to you that their mother had killed herself in a fit of hysteria right in front of her sons, after all. Clive, personally, had said nothing to you about her, though.

“Not really, no.”

“...Of course.” Uncharacteristically, Joshua looked down at the table. Usually you were the one to be doing that. You tilted your head. “She had always wanted for me to be the best in every way. I was already sickly as a child, and she prohibited me from overexerting myself on battlegrounds. She often ordered me to stay within the walls of the castle as well.”

She sounded awful, but you couldn’t ascertain his feelings for his mother with his vague language, so you held your tongue.

“I found solace in reading. I enjoyed books written for children, of course, being one—but my mother didn’t appreciate it as much.” He was wearing a forlorn smile. “She wanted no risk of my future position as the Archduke. At her insistence, I was to read less of those ‘silly stories’ and more of educational books.”

You felt personally insulted at that one. “She sounds a little rude.”

At the sound of your voice, Joshua lifted his head, eyes almost bleary like he’d woken up from a bad dream. “Perhaps she was.” Again, vague. He was still smiling—this time, it reached his eyes. “To answer your question, I’m not quite sure yourself. If I had to guess, perhaps reading them feels like making up for the lost time I had as a child?”

And then, catching you completely off guard, he snatched one of your hands from the table and clasped it with both of his hands. You did not have time to react.

“Thank you for writing them.”

Even through the gloves, his hands felt very warm.

You were suddenly acutely aware of how softly his golden locks fell over his face, the deep lapis of his probing eyes—every ridge and feature of him was striking you with vivid clarity.

You stood up from your seat abruptly, pulling your hand away and folding your arms tightly.

“It’s—It’s no problem. Sorry, but I should really get going.”

With a brisk walk out of the library faster than ever before, you forced yourself to ignore how warm your face was getting.

-------------

“Miss, you did it!”

You had just returned from some field work, exhausted, sweaty, and generally feeling like you needed a hot bath, when the children had crowded you once again. It was right in the middle of the Hideaway, and even though there weren’t that many people around at this time, you still raised a finger to your lips to sign the children to lower their voices.

As usual, they paid no heed to you. They came and tugged at your skirt again. “You wrote about love!”

Behind, one of the boys feigned a disgusted expression. He’d grow out of it, probably.

You took turns patting their heads as always. “Did you enjoy it?”

Of course, you were in no position to write a full-blown romance novel, and that most likely wasn’t ideal for children, either. Instead, you’d just written another adventure story, like you always did, but this time dashed with garnishes of intimate feelings. Not enough to be the main focus, but enough to be visible.

“Yeah!” Then, looking a bit confused: “Why did you suddenly write about it, though?”

The sunlight streaming through the cracks of the Hideaway looked golden, too.

You inclined your head down at them and gave a silly grin.

“Maybe… you could say I had a little inspiration?”

Somethings Never Change, Feelings Never Fade 3/4

Author note: So after going back and forth with myself, I decided to make this a 4 parter just because things were getting a bit tedious and convoluted. So enjoy this next chapter! It's SFW, smut will be in part 4.

Word count: 6.1K

TW: blood, death, murder, swearing

Part 3: Somethings lost, somethings found

“You know out of all the habits you could have picked up from Cid… smoking?” Jill laughs patting my shoulder as we lounge about on the bench in Cid’s office waiting for Clive and Cid to return. Pulling the cigar from my lips, I stick my tongue out at her as she rolls her eyes. Another day of her scolding.

“Better smoking than being reckless? Or how about being sarcastic? I think this is the least harmful… I think.”

She throws her hands up in mock defeat laughing as I continue, “Maybe my bad habit would quell if you lot weren’t always throwing yourselves into danger at the drop of a whim.”

“It’s what we must do,” a gruff voice from the doorway states.

“Like fuck all.” I grumble while taking another puff of the cigar, much to the chagrin of Clive, while Cid chuckles from behind him. In a few quick strides he makes it across the room and promptly plucks the cigar from my lips and drops it to the ground, immediately stomping it out.

“You sound like Gav… and have we not spoken about this habit of yours?” He chastises as Jill folds her arms across her chest nodding in agreement.

“Maybe so but isn’t the real culprit Cid? I am his ward after all,” I casually throw out with a shrug of my shoulders.

Letting out a hearty laugh, Cid rounds his desk before tsk-ing at my admission, “Had I known you would be this quick to throw me to the wolves, our first meeting in Northreach may have been different.”

I roll my eyes before standing up to make my way to Cid’s desk as Jill and Clive gather around as well, “Speaking of Northreach… you all will be leaving soon, yeah?” Nodding with a deep sigh, Cid looks to me and sees the worry creeping into my eyes.

Cid was never one to hesitate or even feel regret for his actions but I could tell that there was some sense of unease “We’ve had this conversation before-”

“I know- but this is basically a suicide mission and you expect me to stay here?” I lament feeling my chest tighten, “If something were to happen and I can’t be there to help-”

“Kadenza. You will wait here with everyone.” Cid firmly states as he lights a cigar.

I feel my shoulders trembling and tears welling in my eyes. I was terrified knowing that the three people I cared about so dearly were essentially marching to their potential deathbeds. Of course they are fearsome warriors and dominants, nonetheless, but destroying a Mothercrsytal? This isn’t any ordinary foe. I knew for years that this is what Cid intended to do but a selfish part of me wished that he would let it go. The world has been so cruel to many of us so why should he save it?

Feeling a firm hand on my shoulder, I notice Clive standing to the left of me and Jill on my right. Everyone’s eyes were on me.

Placing my hand atop Clives, I look back to Cid, “My heart is filled with unease. I know you are all more than capable but-”

“We will come back to you,” Jill reassures while turning me to face her and clasp my hands in hers, “Metia has guided us to each other once and she will do so once more. Please wait here safely.”

I nod weakly, unable to look her in the eyes for fear that I may cry, “I’ve grown up yet I still feel like that little girl hiding in that crate. I wish there was more I could do besides stay here. It would settle my heart knowing that I could be with you.”

Jill pulls me into a tight hug and pats my hair reassuringly, “I am so sorry for leaving you that night but I promise, I will return this time. We all will, so please be patient and believe in us.”

There's a familiar pressure on my shoulder as it is squeezed gently. Pulling away from the warmth of Jill’s hug, I glanced back to see Clive with a comforting smile on his face, “You were always one to wear your heart on your sleeves but put your heart at ease… We will return without fail.”

I return his smile before looking back to Cid, “I trust you, all of you. Don’t make me regret it..” Cid puts out his cigar then stands to his feet as he reaches over to ruffle my hair like he did when we first met.

Cid chuckles, “Of course, m’lady.”

-

“Kadenza!” Tarja yells from the entryway of the infirmary as a soldier attempts to plunge his blade into my chest. 

I nearly dodge and pull my dagger from my thigh holster and lodge it into his abdomen. The man lets out a blood curdling scream and kicks me to the floor by my chest. Wheezing in pain, I attempt to escape as he grabs my hair but he’s not fast enough in finishing the job. Faster than I can process, Tarja swiftly rushes the man and rips my dagger from his stomach. The action causes blood to splatter on my face as she goes in for the kill and slices his neck. Gurgling out a pained groan, the man drops to his knees and crashes to the floor. The horrific sight makes bile rise in the back of my throat and I lurch forward emptying the contents of my stomach. I’m on my knees, coughing and spluttering. Doing my hardest to steady my breaths, I feel myself nearly hyperventilating as I manically wipe at the blood on my face.

There’s s-so much…

“Kadenza! Get up!” She barked, yanking me to my feet by my upper arm, “We have to find Gav and get out of here!”

Still dizzy from the adrenaline rushing through me I can only nod and follow Tarja out of the infirmary but panic at the realization of my missing dagger.“Tarja! My dagger!” 

Trying to pull out of her grasp, she only tightens her grip before grabbing me by my shoulders,“We’ll get you another one! Let’s go!”

No. That’s all I have left of him.

“No! I can’t! Please… that's all I have left of him…” I plead.

Her furrowed brows slowly turn upward in concern. The stern gaze fades away, replaced with remorse, realizing what she implied. She releases a deep sigh before pushing me back to the infirmary, “Be swift. I’ll look out.”

I make my way back to the infirmary and am once again met with the horrific sight of the deceased soldier. Moving closer to the body I do my best to not retch at the sight. My dagger is lying about a foot away but is drenched in blood. Hesitantly I reach my hand out to retrieve the small blade and immediately feel chills run down my spine. The thick dark liquid was still warm to touch. I shutter and do my best to not vomit once more as I wipe the blade down and place it back in the holster around my thigh. Standing up on shaky legs, I stumble back a little, I take in the bloody scene in all its horror.

“Kadenza!” Tarja calls from the hallway. 

“C-Coming…” I slowly take a few steps back before turning my back. I haven’t seen this much carnage since…

No… Now's not the time.

Returning to Tarja, I gave her a swift nod and we’re off again down the hall. The closer we get to the stairs leading to the Great Hall, the louder the cries of terror grow. The tightness in my chest returns and once again anxiety is licking through my veins like fire as we make it to the top of the stairs and take in the sight before us. I could feel my blood run cold and my body felt as though a million pins were pushing into me.

“No… no no no no. Not again.” I whisper watching the residents of the Hideaway being slaughtered in cold blood. My heart is thrumming in my ears as I watch paralyzed in place. 

Fire. Blood. Screaming.

Before I realize, I’m on the ground shrieking… My senses are completely overwhelmed. My chest aching from how hard my heart was pounding. My fists bloody from slamming against the ground. All I could do in the moment was shriek in anguish, the whole of my body trembling violently.

The night that I spent so many years trying to move on from. The night that replayed in my head whether consciously or subconsciously. The night that lived in my dreams… a harsh reminder of how I ended up here. That night 13 years ago was happening again.

I can hardly process the person in front of me.

-

“Kadenza stand up!” Tarja calls as she roughly shakes the young woman in front of her.

“Kadenza please! We need to go!” Tarja calls but Kadenza remains unresponsive. Knowing that the situation was too dire to stay in one spot, Tarja once again heaves the woman up by her arm and wraps an arm around her waist before guiding her down the hall to where she had seen Gav run off to, “Come on Enza, please you have to work with me!” She begs as she lugs the woman along with her. Tarja knew better than anyone the torments of Enza’s past and prayed that one day she could heal from it.

Kadenza had a habit of falling into depressive episodes that Tarja became all too familiar with but she had never seen her in this state. Unresponsive and nearly petrified. It pangs Tarja’s heart yet she knows that regardless of her emotional and mental state, they needed to leave as soon as possible.

Finally happening upon Cid’s office Tarja calls out to Gav as she does her best to support the woman leaning on her, “Gav we’ve got to go!” She shouts, looking around making sure no one was coming.

Stumbling to Cid’s desk, Gav reaches down to grab a crystal that had fallen on the floor, “Not without this!” Tarja notices the blood on Gav’s face as he stumbles forward. Knowing that he was behind her, she gripped tighter on to Kadenza’s waist as they make their escape. Not too far ahead was Cole and a few other escapees making a run for it. Noticing Gav’s bloodied eye and him stumbling, Cole reaches to support Gav.

“Cole!” Tarja calls as she follows the others outside of the ruin, “What the hell is happening?”

Helping Gav along, Cole grunts, feeling the excretion wearing on his body, “It’s Kupka! These are his troops!”

“Shit! How did he find us?” She questions more to herself but nearly tumbles to the ground with Kadenza in tow as she feels the ground begins to quiver under a massive weight. A massive form erupts from behind the ruins and a paralyzing sound of a thunderous roar rips through the air.

Titan.

Large chunks of rock and debris rain down from the sky causing everyone to backpedal and find another way to escape unscathed. Holding on to Kadenza, Tarja is just as shocked as Gav as he pushes Cole away. They both stare in awe watching as Titan slams his fist down.

“Fuck me!” Gav bellows watching the Eikon beat down their only home, “Where the hell are you, Cid?” He calls out in desperation with Tarja right beside him, too shocked to even process his words.

“Where the hell are you?” He says once more in disbelief right as Tarja snaps back to her senses.

“Gav! Let’s go! We need to get away- please help me with Kadenza!” She pleads, feeling her grip slacken around the woman’s waist. Turning back to the two women, Gav finally realizes the glossed over look in Kadenza’s eyes. As much as he wanted to ask what happened, he knew now was not the time. They needed to get to safety. He reaches for the woman and scoops her into his arms as they all make a run for it.

—

5 years later

“Thank you Cole… You didn’t have to travel back with me. I could have made it on my own.”

“And evoke Martha’s wrath? I’d rather not.”

“Well… You’re not wrong but with all the soldiers wandering around, Martha definitely needs you more than I do.”

He shrugs his shoulders dismissively, “Well we’re already here so if I’m needed or not doesn’t matter right now.” I let out a little chuckle feeling him tense up as he pulled the reins on his chocobo,signaling it to stop. Letting out a squawk, the giant bird comes to a stop then proceeds to nestle down on the ground comfortably. With the chocobo at ease, Cole releases the reins while I remove my arms from his waist. He dismounts first before reaching back to help me down. 

“Good boy,” I coo, feeding the bird a handful of gysahl greens and gingerly petting the top of its head. The chocobo chirps as it nuzzles its head into my hand. “Obolus should be here soon.” I say offhandedly as Cole walks to the deck. Turning to face him, I see one of his hands raised above his eyes, shielding them from the sun as he looks off into the horizon.

“I will wait with you here until you board… Ah there he is!” Cole says, intently watching the boat lazily sail forward.

Placing a kiss on the chocobo’s bill, I feed it one more handful of greens before joining Cole on the deck, “Hmm.. taking his time today?” 

Letting out an amused chuckle, he looks to me shaking his head, “Don’t let the grumpy bastard hear you, he might just sail away.” I nearly choke as I try to hide my laughter as Obolus nears the dock. As usual, his hood is shrouding most of his face but I can still see the grimace etched on his face.

“Obolus! Why the face?” I call out once his boat approaches the dock. Ignoring me, he secures the boat to the dock before carefully stepping up to joining myself and Cole.

“Enjoy the ride back,” Cole whispers in my ear as Obolus shoots us a glare.

“I may be aging but my ear is as sharp as ever.” Obolus flatly says as Cole shrinks back with a nervous chuckle before waving bye and jogging off to his chocobo. “Now girl, are you going to stand there all day or shall we head back.”

A little chuckle leaves my lips as I make my way towards the boat, “It’s good to see you too, Obolus. Anything new since I’ve been away?” Carefully lowering myself into the boat, I take the seat that’s nearest to him and watch as he makes his way back into the boat, working to undock us. He reaches to pick up the large oar from the crutch and pushes off the bank underneath the dock and we’re sent sailing back in the direction he came, “Aye. I’m sure you’ve heard Midadol causing havoc at the Hideaway for a weeks before returning to Kanver… noisy little thing.”

“Yeah… Clive told me the last time he stopped by. Poor thing seemed burnt out from running all over Valisthea for whatever Mid was building.” I laugh, reaching over the edge to dip my hands in the cool water. “I also received a stolas nearly a week ago… he said he and Jill were headed to Twinside.”

Grunting in agreement, he lays the oar down and secures it to the crutch then reaches for the tiller, guiding us along the dark lake. Chewing on my lower lip, I look to Obolus anxiously, “Have they returned?” 

He nods as he looks out towards the open water, making sure to navigate us in the right direction “A day or so ago.”

Perking up at the news, I feel the tension in my shoulders dissipate. I smile to myself as I direct my attention towards the rolling water beneath us. I watch as small ripples form from where the bow of the boat gracefully cuts through the water. For a few months I had been at Martha’s side, helping to heal the residents after the last attack from the Imperials. The Black Shields wreaked havoc among the villagers, destroying shops, cutting down innocents who were doing their best to avoid their wrath. But it was mostly for naught. Many people died and while others were left injured. Without hesitation I volunteered to go stay with the village for a while in order to help the injured, luckily with no objection from Clive. I had been there for nearly a fortnight when Clive and Jill returned along with a face I hadn’t seen in years, Sir Wade. And with him came the Guardians of the Flame who stuck around to help us recover. And much to my surprise, Lord Byron, who had been funding the Guardians of the Flame, offered to help support us monetarily. 

“That’s good to hear…” I say softly, smiling fondly to myself.

The rest of the ride was made in silence, Obolus guiding across the dark body of water while I gazed ahead enjoying the cool breeze of the wind bouncing along the gentle tides. Although it was only a few months, I had missed the hustle and bustle of the Hideaway and I’m pretty sure Tarja had her hands full without me. I had been drowning on my own taking care of the villagers, so I could only imagine how it was going for her without me… not that she couldn’t manage on her own but the tasks were less cumbersome with a second set of hands.

After nearly an hour of sailing, the Hideaway becomes visible the closer we move through the desolate waters. The scenery, all too familiar with scattered parts of ruin and airship debris littering the area. 

Home.

Excitingly my leg bounces in anticipation the closer we get to the dock which leads to a mild scolding from Obolus. Something about the movement being aggravating and that I needed to settle down but I ignored it as I swiftly stood to my feet. Before even having the chance to dock the boat, I’m hauling myself over the edge of the boat up to the dock.

“Are ya attempting to injure yourself, girl?! Be more cautious!” Obolus admonishes much to my dismal as I run across the pier to make my way towards the lift. “What about my pay brat?”

Laughing giddily, I pull the lever to start the lift and wave to Obolus as it sets off, “Get it from Otto!” I can hear him swearing as the lift ascends but I really couldn’t be bothered, I was too excited to be back. Once the lift arrives at the boarding deck, I swiftly make haste to Clive’s chamber, hoping that I’d see him and Jill there. Weaving my way past all the residents, I’m greeted with various hellos and acknowledgements of my return.

“Clive!” I call making it to his chambers before swinging the doors open taking him by surprise as I crash into his broad chest.

“Ah Kadenza-” He grunts out and pulls me from his chest as I look up at him sheepishly.

“Sorry! I’m just too happy to be back, even more so that you all came back unscathed.” He chuckles and leads me back to his room where Jill waits with her arms open, “Jill!”

We both laugh as we embrace each other, “Made it back, yes. Unscathed? Not so much” She jests, pulling back from the hug, “It’s good to see you in high spirits.”

“Well, I did get to enjoy a good pint and a smoke every evening without being pestered,” I reply mischievously, getting a disapproving grunt from Clive, “ And- everyone’s doing much better in the village. We even managed to bring in more bearers to aid, so it was time well spent. How did everything go in Twinside? Did you destroy the Mothercrystal?”

Sharing a hesitant glance between each other, Clive and Jill look back to me, “Is there a problem?” I question, feeling uneasiness settle into the pit of my stomach. Jill looks to Clive expectantly and he nods as the two have a silent conversation with their eyes before returning their gaze to me.

“Kadenza…” Clive reaches for my shoulders and firmly squeezes them, “Joshua is here.”

I feel my mind go blank and my heart wrenches in my chest. I can’t tell if it’s from anxiety or excitement but I feel dizzy almost.

“Kadenza?” Jill questions wearily. 

Still frozen in place, my mind and heart work in tandem piecing together emotions that I had buried for years. When Clive had first told me that he believed Joshua was alive was right after their return from Drake’s Head. Cid was gone and the Hideaway destroyed. Hearing Clive speak about Joshua possibly being alive was too much and so I brushed him off and never spoke of it again, forcing myself to believe that his mind was conjuring up apparitions in his state of grief. But now as I stand here, finally receiving the confirmation I had longed for for so long I didn’t know how to digest such a blessing in this grim reality.

Clive drops a hand from my shoulder and the other moves to my cheek wiping away a single tear, “Kadenza, I-”

“Where… where is he?” I questioned, closing my eyes to focus on the wild thrumming of my heart. Without even looking, I know he was hesitating to tell me. Something was wrong. Opening my eyes, I stare into the depths of Clive’s cerulean blue eyes, searching for an answer. “Clive…”

Feeling his resolve crumble he looks toward the door before mumbling ‘Infirmary’ under his breath but still loud enough for me to catch it. Without a second thought, I’m barreling through the doors of his chambers down the stairs as I rush across the Hideaway. In my haste I dash past Otto, ignoring his greetings and hastily climb the stairs to the infirmary, nearly falling as I barely missed a step. Roughly shoving the door open, I can know that I’ve startled Tarja as her shoulders jolted in surprise from where she stood over a man in white.

“Kadenza! Have you gone mad?” She admonishes but I ignore her, focusing on the man in the bed behind her. 

She notices where my gaze trails off to, “Are you alright?” She whispers slowly coming towards me but again I ignore her. Brushing past her, I slowly make my way towards the man who lay unconscious. Carefully kneeling down beside the man, I reach for his hand clasping it gingerly between my own hands. I take in his features that were familiar yet so very different from the boy I knew in my past life. Features that were once camouflaged by plump cheeks and boyish features were now more defined. Defined jawline and nose, sharper brows hidden under a longer fringe of bangs, and full lips… Over the years, watching myself age, I had always wondered what kind of man Joshua would grow into. 

Would he be tall? Maybe have facial hair like the Archduke? Would he allow his hair to grow? 

Those kinds of thoughts would cross my mind at night as I fiddled with the age-old dagger he had gifted to me before drifting off to sleep… But now… as he lays here in front of me, none of that mattered. Holding his hand tightly I bring it to my lips, as I place a gentle kiss on his bruised knuckles, “Joshua… it really is you. My dearest friend… you’re here.” 

I hear shuffling behind me before a gentle hand is pulling me close. Still holding onto his hand I look up to Tarja, vision clouded in tears, “Tarja… my friend… my dearest friend is here.” I try to smile but my lips won’t stop trembling, “He’s alive.”

Kneeling down, Tarja pulls me to her chest as a violent shudder crawls up my spine and a loud hiccupped sob leaves my lips. Releasing Joshua’s hand I throw my arms around Tarja, allowing years worth of pain to finally pour from every fiber of my being. 

-

From the day I reunited with Joshua, Tarja allowed him to be moved to a private room in the barracks where I could take care of him and be around as much as possible without disturbing the other residents who came to the infirmary. The room was simple with a single bed pushed in a corner, a small chest at its side along with a random chair but at my request Gav and Clive brought up a table into the room, placing it close to the balcony, along with another a chair. I used that area to pestle more medicine and organize all my supplies to care for Joshua. When all was settled Tarja helped me bathe him and assisted me in redressing him in a fresh tunic and trousers provided by Hortense. No one really bothered me as I stayed by his side, even Tarja gave us space and worked in the infirmary alone taking care of Bahamut and the other residents.

Dousing a cloth in cool water placed atop the chest nearest to the bed I pull the cloth out then wring it until it’s dry before returning to his bedside, carefully sitting on the edge. Gently blotting at the sweat collecting on his forehead and chest, I feel a small pout forming on my lips. He had over exerted himself in his fight against Bahamut and his body was paying the price. The rosy skin that I remember from childhood was flushed and pale. His skin was hot to the touch and lips chapped, mostly from dehydration. He had been unconscious since the day I returned but every so often would stir awake mostly speaking in nonsensical ramblings, delirious from a fever. The moments wouldn’t last long before he was falling back into unconsciousness however; fortunately for me, I was able to enjoy these small moments listening to the low tenor of his voice slur in speech as he attempted to make sense of the stream of thoughts coursing through his mind. Today was no different.

“You… you seem familiar,” He rasps, doing his best to focus his gaze, “...like her…” I can’t help the small laugh that leaves my lips watching as he does his best to concentrate on my features but the fever makes him too delirious. He lets out a huff as he closes his eyes doing his best to fight the fog clouding his mind but based on the furrowing of his brows it’s a losing battle, “Why does my heart ache so?”

Reaching forward to brush his fringe from his forehead, I’m startled as I feel his hand grasp mine. It’s warm and clammy but the grip he has on my hand is firm… comforting. He guides my hand to his cheek as a lazy smile graces his lips as his eyebrows slowly relax, “my most precious…” He trails off falling into a light slumber, the smile never leaving his lips.

The hold on my hand slackens as it slowly falls to the side, resting by his head. I lean across him to lay his arm back by his side. I shake my head gently and do my best to bite back the smile that had my heart fluttering while readjusting his body to a more comfortable position. Slightly leaning back to settle myself beside him I can’t help but stop to admire the peaceful expression adorning his face.

“Am I… am I that precious to you?” I murmur as I bring my hand back to caress his cheek, gently soothing my thumb over the apple of his cheek. “Was there a version of me that lived on in your heart?” He shifts a little in his sleep, allowing his cheek to rest comfortably in my hand as he nuzzles closer.

Wistfully taking in his presence, I can’t help the deep sigh that leaves my lips, “You’re so close yet so far… return to me, Joshua. I can’t bear another moment without you.” Lowering myself to the bed, I do my best to lay comfortably along his side while moving my hand from his cheek to his heart. Curling up as close as I can, I listen to the rhythmic thrum of his heart and the steady sound of his breathing. With the little light left in the day peaking through the balcony of his room, I felt myself falling into a light sleep.

-

The steady thrum I fell asleep to seemed more erratic in my drowsy state as a firm warmth surrounded me. The source shudders with every inhale and exhale, and the soft sounds of weeping. Finally allowing my eyes to flutter open, they’re met with rosy sun kissed skin peeking out from white fabric. 

Still in a state of confusion and fogginess, I do my best to pull away to take in what the source of the commotion was but am firmly held in place,“...what?”

“My most precious…” 

A violent chill runs up my spine when I recognize the voice, “Joshua!?”

His gently weeping subsides as he pulls back from the embrace he had me in where one of his hands was on the nape of my neck and another arm wound tightly around my waist. He studies my face as fresh tears stream down his face, “It is you…” 

He pulls me in gently resting his chin on the crown of my head as another shuttered breath rips through him, “Countless nights, chasing the phantom of your existence…. Nevermore… you’re here.” 

“You… you never forgot about me?” I mutter against his chest, feeling the familiar pin pricks of emotions welling up again.

“Not for a single moment, my dearest friend. You were always my most precious.” He whispers into my hair. My heart feels as if it would escape my chest with how hard it knocked against my breast. With how close he held me I knew he could feel it, yet he never said anything as we remained frozen in that moment.

-

“You’ve grown tall. Handsome even.” I tease looking over my shoulder from where I’m standing at the table. 

“And without the aid of carrots, “ He muses from the bed with a smug smirk playing at the corner of his lips. His fever was down considerably but I could tell that fatigue still lingered in his bones as he rested his back against the wall behind his bed. Rolling my eyes, I can’t help but snort at the admission and return to my work to grind up herbs. He may look mature but I guess there were still qualities that hadn’t grown with him. 

“My lady?” He calls from his place on the bed.

I laugh again at the formality,“Still not a lady.”

Peeking over my shoulder I see him raise fist to his mouth coughing awkwardly, searching for another way to address me, “My Shield?” 

Shaking my head, I put down my mortar and pestle with a giggle. Facing him, I notice the amused grin gracing his features. Huffing out a sigh, sauntering up to the end bed before flopping down to stare up at the ceiling, “Unfortunately no… turns out that I’m not quite cut out for battle.” I muse thinking back to my dream of once being a Rosarian Shield, “...that resolve escaped me long ago.”

There’s a brief silence, as I feel the bed shift beside me. Looking to my left, Joshua is laid beside me facing the opposite direction as he stares up at the ceiling, “Our circumstances have been quite unfortunate.”

Sucking my teeth, I can’t help the grimace adorning my face,“Unfortunate is a bit too gentle of a word, no?” 

Joshua chuckles as he turns his head to the side to look at me. I mirror his action as we lay in silence reveling in each other’s presence. Two childhood friends torn apart by unforeseeable circumstances but miraculously brought together by divine intervention, as if the Founders had been listening in on my prayers all these years.

Breaking the silence first, Joshua moves closer to me, “You’ve become quite the healer… Truthfully, it suits you.”

Feeling heat creep up my neck, I quickly avert my gaze to the ceiling “You think so?” 

He releases a sigh but keeps his attention on me, “I’ve missed you.”

Swallowing the thick lump in my throat, I keep my eyes locked on the ceiling above me as I do my best not to crack under the piercing stare of his sapphire eyes, “And I you.”

“Your aversion to me says otherwise… what ales you?” His voice somber.

Closing my eyes thoughtfully, I inhale deeply and hold it in for a few moments before exhaling. My mind replaying moments of our childhood together. Whenever I felt alone, he was always there beside me. Even with the heavy burden of being the Phoenix and future Archduke of Rosaria, he always made space for me to be in his orbit. My trusted friend and confidant. I would never be of noble blood and would never have the ability to stand by his side… Even so, I knew I could find pride whether I stood firmly behind him as a maid or confidently in front as a shield, I was thankful for a place in his life… yet, after years of mourning him and the friendship we had I always came to the same conclusion. My heart only ached like this because I adored him. And for years my mind had been tormented over the fact that no matter how hard I tried to root out his presence from my heart, my love for him only seemed to blossom like wyvern tails. The  deep rooted pining in my chest only longed more for his presence.

“It is you that ails me.” I finally mutter shifting to lay on my side and face him head on. He winces at my words but allows me to continue, “Do you not realize that I’ve always adored you? When you look at me like that… It sets my heart ablaze.”

Once again silence fills the space between us as we observe each other, neither one of us moving. The air felt tense and the silence was deafening, as I searched his eyes for an answer. His unchanging expression was hard to read and that only fueled the humiliation that was simmering in the pit of my stomach. Still unwavering, he turns on his back to face the ceiling and I can’t help but feel dejected.

“I-I’m sorry-”

“May I tell you of a girl whom I loved?” I feel my heart still, the question like a dagger lodging itself deep into my chest. I didn’t know how to respond so I closed my eyes and listened.

“My father always looked on with pity when it came to her… ‘An unfortunate thing’ he would say. She had no recollection of her age, forgotten surname, and, unfortunately, was orphaned. My mother held much contempt for the girl…” He recalls somberly before continuing, “However, to me… she was my dearest, most treasured friend.”

Ba-thump Ba-thump

“A myriad of our days were spent holed up in the Duchy’s library receiving lessons after being scolded for arriving late.” A low rumble of a chuckle leaves his lips, “When free of responsibility, we would sneak away to play in the gardens. Always the same game. Princess and the knight, yet, somehow… I never had the chance to be the knight.”

Ba-thump Ba-thump

“She loved flowers… chrysanthemums mostly. She eagerly awaited them every year, albeit she’d never admit to it… So I would leave a few outside her chamber and wait for her to retrieve them.”

Ba-thump Ba-thump

“The last time I saw her… I’d given her a dagger. I even had her initials engraved. Foolishly, I convinced myself that it was only a gift between friends. But with the passage of time and maturing, I realized it was more that my younger self had not quite grasped. It was love. Pure unadulterated adoration in its truest sense.”

Eyes still closed, I feel a shift on the bed and the warmth of his presence closer than before as his breath fans against my lips. Yet again I’m chewing my lower lip out of nerves before peeking an eye open, only to be met with his deep gaze.

“Do you still love her?”

Closing the gap between us, he presses a tender kiss to my forehead as I sheepishly screw my eyes shut. “How could I not?” He murmurs against my skin.

little cuts and bruises

Joshua x Reader (Joshua with a crush vs incredibly socially unaware reader)

1988 words, fluff

I wanted to write 10 seconds of handholding but this happened instead.

---

“Tarja?”

You hadn’t heard the aforementioned stern lady barking at anyone, so when you poked your head into the infirmary, it wasn’t a surprise that she was nowhere to be seen. She would probably return in a matter of minutes, loaded with an onslaught of warranted naggings at the patients there. Your hands were still fully occupied with the herbs you had painstakingly scavenged for, and you didn’t quite feel like sitting around waiting for her, so you shouldered your way through the door and let yourself in.

Helping Tarja collect materials for her medicine was nothing new to you, anyway. For the most part, you knew where she kept what, so you might as well get started on keeping them. She would probably praise you, too, and the thought made you eagerly approach the drawers that were the medicinal treasury.

Pain streaked across your palm momentarily. You winced. A stalk from one of the herbs had dug into an open cut across your hand.

The most recent outing had been successful, but… of course it had been successful. You knew your way around a sword… well, maybe halfway around it? So it wasn’t your fault for running and rolling off a ledge to escape one of those giant monsters and bruising your palms terribly. Bruises were better than being probably dead. And one of the herbs you had been looking for was encased in a thorny bush, but you had been exhausted from running from the monster and just wanted to return to the Hideaway, so you had thrusted your hands through the spikes anyway. Your already worn out gloves failed to persevere and the thorns had sliced through them and right into the skin of your hands.

Injuring yourself was decently normal during scavenging, but you had to admit your hands were quite the bloodied sight this time.

…Tarja would probably scold you, too. Oh, well…

Before you reached the drawers, you caught sight of something rare.

“Oh.”

Joshua Rosfield, red scarf and gloves missing as they normally were when he was being treated, sat on the edge of a bed, was staring up at you, eyes wide like sparrow’s when a human approached it.

You clutched the herbs closer to your chest and bowed your head towards him slightly. “Joshua. Hello.”

A smile adorned his rosy lips as he mimicked you and bowed his head. “Hello. You’ve just returned, I take it?”

“Yes. I found all these… stuff.” Herbs, you scolded yourself inwardly. Sometimes you weren’t the best at talking. You lifted your arms slightly to gesture to them.

“Ah.” He nodded. “Thank you for all your hard work.”

He was working way harder than you, though.

You awkwardly nodded in reply and continued shuffling over to the drawer. Gingerly, you placed the herbs on top.

Your interactions with Joshua were limited, as were most people’s, you guessed. He kept to himself to a severe extent and didn’t speak much to the average Hideaway member. Not out of rudeness, you imagined. He never seemed at ease.

Because you reported directly to Clive, sometimes you did see and speak to Joshua. But only briefly, for the most part. You couldn’t quite recall any memorable events between the two of you–on your side, anyway. Maybe Joshua thought of you as an awkward, bumbling mess. Or maybe an incredibly helpful scavenger? Or maybe he thought nothing of you at all. It didn’t matter that much, you supposed. You hardly saw him. You addressed him by his first name since you addressed Clive by his first name, at his insistence, but you weren’t even sure if he knew yours.

A heavy cough snapped you out of your thoughts. Joshua was hunched over, hand shielding his mouth. You blinked, unsure of what to do for a second. (Get Tarja?) When blood dripped from his lips after he moves his crimson-stained hand, you rushed to kneel in front of him and touch his arm.

“Joshua–” What were you supposed to do? You knew the basics of medicine for minor cuts and wounds, but nothing about this deadly cough that plagued him.

Get Tarja. You scrambled to your feet.

Joshua reached out with his clean hand and grabbed your wrist, shaking his head. You paused.

“Tarja will be back soon.” He tilted his head up to lock his gaze onto yours, and for a moment, you noticed a bit too much how delicately his golden locks framed his face. He smiled wryly. “She’s left to retrieve something, but she said she won’t be long. I will be fine, I assure you.”

As you said, you knew nothing about this deadly cough that plagued him.

“Are you sure?” You squinted at him. “...You won’t run away again?” Tarja often complained about that.

“I won’t. As a matter of fact, she has taken my garments with her as hostage temporarily.”

Oh, the scarf and the glove. Not that that meant much. You imagined if someone burst into the infirmary screaming that Clive was in deep trouble, Joshua would leap out of the window and prime and Tarja’s rage later would be unassuageable. You knew that much about him.

But you weren’t a healer, and you probably wouldn’t help by meddling, so you nodded slowly. Maybe you could help wipe the blood off, though.

Looking around, you located a brown rag nearby on one of the tables. Neatly folded, so it should be clean. You stepped towards it, only to feel a tug on your wrist. You looked down. Joshua was still holding onto you.

Uh. “Um, excuse me.” With your free hand, you carefully pried his fingers off of you. Your cuts did not sting against his hands.

Joshua shrunk back, arm held in front of him almost defensively. He was frowning. “Are you in a rush?” Did he sound disappointed? You couldn’t clearly tell.

“Huh?” You furrowed your brows. “...No? I’m just getting…” You pointed at the cloth.

Joshua relaxed. “Oh, I see.”

You felt like it was hard to understand him at times.

You grabbed the cloth, returned, tousled your hand under it, then leaned forward to dab at his mouth softly. You ignored the way he was looking right at you with those vivid blue eyes of his. It was unnerving.

When you moved down to wipe his bloodied hand, he looked down, and suddenly bolted forward. You only had a split second to wonder if you somehow offended him before he grabbed both of your hands and turned them to face your palms upwards.

“What happened here?” he asked softly.

Your cuts and bruises were a nasty sight. And his hands felt so smooth and unblemished. How did he do it? They somehow reminded you of Torgal’s squishy paws.

You shrugged. “Went scavenging.” You tilted your head at the herbs you had deposited.

“And this happens normally?”

It was difficult to answer that, because you kept no track record of small things like these. “I guess so.” The grimace on his face told you he was not satisfied. “Someone has to go out and get them, right? We have a lot of fighters here, and they get hurt.”

“At your own expense?” he pressed, leaning closer to you.

You did not pull away, but you decided to stare at a spectacular corner of the room that didn’t have anything. “These aren’t that bad. Just a few days–and they’ll be all better… Tarja might be upset, but that’s all.” You were unsure why he was so upset over a few cuts and bruises across your hands.

Joshua was quiet. You shifted awkwardly, unsure of what to make of the silence, and glanced back at him.

Then he cocked his head, blinked slowly at you and smiled the same way someone would when reassuring a lost child. “I could help you, if you’d allow me?”

Did he know his way around these medicinal salves, too? Maybe it would be better than suffering a scolding from Tarja.

“Sure.”

Joshua began to stand up, and you took a step backwards to give him space. He turned your hands over and up so your palms faced him with his hands pressed against them, and interlocked your fingers with his.

You weren’t very sure what this was, but Joshua’s demeanor was known for sticking out like a sore, princely thumb. Groomed to become Rosaria’s archduke, and all. This could be some pre-treatment gesture they did in Rosarian culture or something. You had heard he had given Mid an awkward but well-meaning greeting, too.

The back of Joshua’s hands glowed, and only now you acutely remembered that he was the Phoenix’s Dominant, who had an uncontested healing prowess.

Flames unfurled from his hands and cozily cocooned around yours; it reminded you of drinking hot tea in a harsh winter. The bruises began to lighten, and your skin began to stitch itself together over the cuts. You stared, awed, watching the fire ripple across in waves of brilliant magic, then blinked up at him.

“Is this okay? I mean, the curse…”

He chuckled. “That price is much too small to deny rewarding the most hardworking and endearing member of our team.”

Your face felt warm. Part of it was because of the fire, you told yourself.

“That’s an overstatement, I think,” you mumbled.

“Is it? I don’t think so.”

You couldn’t think of a reply.

Soon, all the cuts and bruises had vanished and your hands looked like they hadn’t worked a day in the field. You withdrew your hands from his and turned them over and over again in wonder. Joshua leaned over slightly to join you in having a look at them.

Pristine. You could go back to your duties almost immediately, and you wouldn’t have to face the wrath of Tarja. You didn’t know how to express with words how grateful you were.

…Oh, right. Recently, you often saw Clive do this thing when he was thanking Jill. You had thought it was a bit too close, but they were both raised in Rosaria, so maybe it really was a royal Rosarian thing. (When you had asked Clive about it, he had said it was nothing, and then walked away strangely quickly.)

You leaned forward, standing on the tips of your toes just a little, and gently bumped your forehead against Joshua’s. Your eyes met his gaze.

“Thank you.”

…Hm, his face looked a little flushed. You guessed it was an aftereffect of using the Phoenix’s abilities.

The sound of his breathing somehow felt even louder in those few seconds. Then he drew back and dusted the hair out of your face with the back of his fingers.

“–Didn’t I tell you to stay in bed?”

You jumped backwards, swinging towards the door of the infirmary. Tarja was grunting at Joshua, as usual, and oddly empty-handed.

“My apologies.” Joshua made a half-smile, as if to appease her.

Her eyes fell on you, and she nodded, before she caught sight of the spoils you had retrieved earlier.

“Oh, thank the Founder,” she breathed, striding over to the herbs. “We’d just run out of these. I was looking to see if you’d come back. This one here,” she casted a dirty look in Joshua’s direction, “needs it urgently, you see.”

You started. “These were for him?”

“Of course. A guzzler of our medicinal supplies, that’s what he is.” She tipped her head at him. “You should thank your lifesaver.”

Joshua tilted his head, smile full of mirth. “It’s mutual, I suppose.”

“What are you blabbering about this time?” Tarja grumbled from sifting through the leaves.

She soon shooed you out of the infirmary, after letting you know Clive was looking for you again. You idly wandered down the corridor and stopped for a while to stroke a sleepy Torgal.

Maybe you should go get yourself more cuts and bruises on the next assignment, too. Just little ones.